Upvoted because this is an unpopular opinion, but there are very good reasons for it being unpopular. Kids who are raised to think they’re “losers” if they don’t get 1st place grow up to be highly insecure and over-competitive.

What a long winded way to tell us your dad didn’t love you enough

I really hope you are not a teacher.

Nope.

As a coach, I teach the goal of the GAME is to score more points than the opposing team. That is important.

But it is not the ONLY goal, nor even the primary goal of our team. Our goal is to improve every week and compete at our highest level. We invest in our process, worry about ourselves, and let winning take care of itself.

You will find if you study coaching that is the most successful strategy.

Unpopular opinion.

People who are obsessed with winning at everything all the time, are bad at receiving criticism. They see every single miniscule issue that can arise and see only a way to make more short-term gains instead of pacing themselves, exercising patience, or being able to forgive themselves and others for their shortcomings.

People who line their walls with trophies need their egos constantly stroked, or there’s something wrong, and they take it out on everyone else.

I think you’re confusing excellence with exceptionality. I’d rather have a kid who is happy to do good in the world than a kid who’s happy to be better than other kids.

This is “unpopular opinions” not “peaked in highschool football dad opinions”

I am assuming you’re 95% trolling.

You want a generation of young men committing suicide because of not feeling enough? Then emphasize being the best. Don’t value people’s way of being. Don’t value what kind of person people are.

If, however, you care about people living good lives, focus on building capabilities. The single most important capability is being resilient in the face of failure and rejection.

You will be shocked by learning that there is a thing called science that has consistently found a set of robust findings. One of them is that accepting your life is a pre-requisite for resilience. Another is finding how important it is to infuse your current reality with purpose and meaning so that you can take steps toward the life you want.

You know what stops people from accepting their reality and infusing their current steps with purpose? Telling them they’re unacceptable.

Good post, I think OP’s opinion is dangerous and selfish. Ask any kid whose parents would punish them for As instead of A+s, and I’ll show you an adult with self-worth issues deep enough to become a monster. If the only choices are “win and be praised” or “lose and feel deep deep shame”, even perceived competition becomes cutthroat. In my opinion it is still good to celebrate success and effort even if you don’t reach the punultimate goal that very very few are even allowed to reach.

People who think winning is important grow up to abuse humans for profit.

Not really. I mean I sucked at a lot of things. Failed over and over again until I got good at something.

Look at successful billionaires and how many startups they crashed before succeeding.

Failure is part of the process. It’s part of life and the point is, you better find a healthy way to deal with it. Being determined and trying over and over again is a necessary character trait if you wanna succeed at something or become good at it.

I suck at any kind of public speaking.

That said, I went on stage and made a speech. Strong enough voice (I’m a teacher) but my hands were shaking like mad.

Past week, more speeches to parents. First speech I’m pretty nervous.

Second, third, fourth…

By this time, I hold a piece of paper up to the parents. Not a single tremor or shiver in the paper.

This is because I don’t think of my issues with public speaking as failure. That’s just me. I already accepted that’s how I react to situations like that.

If my parent ever told me my shaking was failure, do you truly think that my mindset that doesn’t attribute my ‘shakes’ to failure would be the case now?

Keep any shortcomings personal, to them. As a parent, always see the positive. Never weigh your own child down like that.

You sound like a teenager but I figure it’s worthwhile sharing my aspect with the adults here.

You’re taking a very strong stance on a position, of which more nuanced versions aren’t wrong.

Universal “Participation Trophies” are a bad idea, true.

Celebrating “failure” is also a bad idea.
But failure isn’t always what you think it is. 2nd place isn’t failure.

And winning isn’t always success. Sometimes participation is success. And sometimes winning is the bare minimum.

Truth is, when teaching kids, effort is what needs to be rewarded.

For some kids in some cases, winning takes no real effort. That shouldn’t be celebrated either. If they win for just showing up and get a trophy, when things get difficult they’ll give up, since they’re used to things being easy. But if a kid fails, while genuinely putting a lot of effort into something, that effort needs to be rewarded. By rewarding effort while ignoring success or failure, you teach perseverance.

A person can’t control winning or losing. They can only control how much effort they put in. So reward effort.

Context is everything. The expectations should depend on the person’s potential and the goal.

Having an absolutist binary mindset is not going to serve you or your kids well. Pushing your kids towards excellence and not coddling them with participation trophies is entirely valid. But, acting coldly disappointed and treating them like failures for not being perfect means you will probably never see them in your old age.

Just do the math. If a very small percentage of people achieve the goal you have in mind: assuming your kid “should” achieve that is possibly just your own narcissism bleeding out on them. Not everyone is going to play pro sports or be valedictorian. Thinking otherwise is pure delusional arrogance.

C’s get degrees. The only thing that matters in life is being attractive, and having confidence in yourself.