Good day/evening to all

Firstly want to just prefix this as something that will probably be quite long, loaded and most probably all over the place as writing seems to be my most effective way to express myself, even though it is more of a nasal spray than a eloquent essay.

So to the crux of the matter I guess I am asking for help/ advice.

I guess I am burdened by the weight of “thousand paper cuts”. Everytime I try talk and get help, I seem to focus on one aspect sharply. I guess it is akin to having let a “problem tree grow” and end up picking at all the disparate “branches” to be trimmed back.

I want to say that I am unemployed and can access the interent by means of getting some money from odd tib bits here and there from helping a neighbour. So my connectivity isnt stable per se.

With that out the way, in my country they do offer free healthcare via government clinics, but my experience has not made great inroads in my diagnosis and with a disagreement stopped going. Which was about 6 years ago give or take.

Provisionally, it seems I have anxiety, depression and adhd… well thats what I gathered from the communication I received. There was an off-topic mention that there could be aspergers, but that was more a comment than an actual diagnoses. They provided ritalen and anti-depressants, which I took for about 6 months.

After the disagreement, I just stopped using… didn’t seem to have any adverse effects that wasn’t any worse than what I have experienced without medication. It was two meetings in worth a qualified psycologist and thereafter 4 meetings with the nurse. So 6 weeks of communication and thereafter was expected to just drug the problem away.

I feel that I am a people pleaser, but at the same time have become very cognitive of being taken advantage or not listened to in a social and work environment. I unfortunately do not express that “feeling” and instead that gets internalized.

I feel weighed down by my burdens, I just don’t have the motivation to pull myself out of things by myself but at the same time withdraw from people as I don’t wish the become a burden to them.

I guess I have issues since early childhood, but were written off as not serious and I guess I attempted to evolve around it while not solving anything. I have mentioned to few people that I have imprisoned myself within myself and have in turn used games as means of I guess “parole”.

Games are an environment that the “rules of reality” are more balanced and controlled. I guess it is an escape from the world’s bs - a place of honesty and trust that won’t be taken advantage of.

Of course, not the games that take blatant advantage and try to bleed real corporate world into something I avoid. But back on topic, I feel helpless and do not see a way to better myself even though there are ways to improve mental outlook, it doesn’t improve the reality of the situation

Recently tried to contact offical helpline after having a particular bad mental state that I had to resort to contacting my anti-suicide contact (something that was asked of someone when I was going through a really bad period and signed an anti-suicide pact). However all that end up doing was having me go into a panic attack while on the phone and thereafter anger.

Reason being that I wrote for help and all I got was being called when they had time. No rhyme or reason just randomly call. And when I was finally was able to align the stars to be able to receive a call( after no small feat from the anti-suicide contact making arrangments and them getting a time when I would be called) I felt like something that was read out of a handbook without taking any circumstance into account, making assumptions, calling without providing a generalised time and then getting uppity when asked to be provided at least a rough estimate like morning or afternoon and generally making me feel that I was wasting there time as they have many other people to attend to.

My friend mentioned that the person was unpleasant with them and when asked was met with flatwalling and said they must not being doing any arrangments(they did the arrangment after I told them that the help group wasn’t helping) I felt offended because it felt like my friends character was put in question, to which I hold them to the highest esteem ( they have been someone I have known for almost twenty years and they are among the few people that havent taken advantage of me)

The help group is a national telephonic helpline.

I understand that the individuals are also human, however I have progressively developed a shorter fuse for people wasting my time and that I know is a “me” problem. And ultimately I could get more help from a google search at this point than the “help” I have received

I don’t even know if any of this even makes sense or even it is just a case of all the little things that have culminated into amplifyed issues. I understand that in the world, physically I am living a comfortable life relative to what the world is like but mentally I feel fearful that I am just going to fall apart and deteriorate into a either a shell of a human that will sink and suffocate into the perpertual sinkhoIe have created or that the world will push me breakpoint.

I hope that last part was not overly morbid, I am cognative of how bad I can and have been and ultimately understand that I do value my life and relative to that I feel … i guess stable.

I mean who knows maybe just writing things out or expressing myself is my form of therapy, a means to offload the baggage slightly. I am a socially awkard and feel like a pariah in that regard and perhaps just attempting to have human contact is a stabilising force.

I don’t know I never do, otherwise I wouldn’t be writing asking for an opinion

Anyway, if anyone has read up to this point and much less understood what I wrote, I thank you for your time and effort going through all that