Not the bad porn script you were expecting, I swear. 🙃
So here’s one for fans of grey areas.
SO has brought two daughters and a son into our relationship. They’re all young adults now. We generally get along well and I’m a trusted third party and, according to the then-minor younger daughter, a good source for pregnancy tests and the such “because you’re the least likely to freak out”.
We’re generally a very open and judgement-free family, and I’m immensely proud of the fact that the kids feel comfortable talking freely about love and sex with both of us despite their ‘traditional’ catholic indoctrination upbringing. We’ve established that we can talk about anything but won’t go into detail about their or my personal preferences. This works very well and there’s a lot of trust. Whenever their mother’s not around, the kids talk to me about whatever’s on their mind (anything really, not just love/sex stuff).
There’s one thing that makes me slightly uncomfortable though, and I’m not sure if I’m the one who’s at fault here. It’s the older daughter’s choice of clothing at home. Especially in summer and near the pool, she often walks around in a t-shirt or scant bikini top and panties whose front just about covers the crack and whose back leaves nothing to the imagination.
I’m very happy that she’s both happy enough with her body and feels comfortable enough around me to walk around this way. Especially the former has been a bit of work on her mother’s part.
Now my own background is that I come from a very uptight family myself (sex is an evil and shameful thing that the wife endures because she owes it to her husband) but am very open now (swinger clubs, former co-host for BDSM meetings etc.). I also have a minor degree in both communication and sex therapy.
Still you never entirely shake off an upbringing based entirely on shame and guilt, and occasionally there’s a situation that instinctively makes me uncomfortable, but upon closer inspection I conclude that it really shouldn’t.
I’m currently trying to figure out whether this is one of those false-alarm situations, and it really bothers me.
On the one hand, “you don’t wear that kind of outfit in front of men you’re not biologically related to.”
On the other hand, why not? She should be able to wear whatever she’s comfortable with in the privacy of our home. And you can’t make a request such as “dress more modestly” without it smelling of misogyny.
On the other other hand, it would definitely be inappropriate for her to walk around entirely in the nude, so there’s got to be a line somewhere.
(Let me add that she’s never even remotely tried anything, and I really don’t think of her in ‘that’ way, so that’s not the issue.)
TL;DR: Adult stepdaughter sometimes wears revealing clothes, makes me uncomfortable, not sure if it’s supposed to. Nothing fishy going on.
EDIT: Wow, so much food for thought. I don’t think I’m going to be able to reply to everyone individually, but I’ve come to realize that what makes me uncomfortable is probably the idea that she or other people around us might feel uncomfortable, and in the classic stepfather-stepdaughter constellation I could be seen as a potential ‘perpetrator’, which I’d need to protect myself against. So it’s really just mostly me worrying about what other people might think (but probably don’t).
But the point is, if she’s comfortable there’s really nothing tangible for me to worry about.
Sounds like the issue is that you feel sexually attracted to her at a purely base and instinctual level and you don’t want to feel that way towards someone you consider as a daughter, and it’s easier for you to try to have her fix the problem than for you to process your own lizard brain response to an attractive woman being near you.
There is nothing inherently wrong with feeling the way you’re feeling, it just means that like most people you are not actually as noble and pure as you would prefer to be.
If you can process that whole shebang then it might make it easier for you to actually step into the role of being closer to your own personal ideal of pure.
I would start with taking a deep breath, holding it for the count of three, and then exhaling it and noting how you feel, what you feel, and how that makes you feel, and then accepting that without being influenced by it.
Sexual urges are normal. Not being in control of them is not normal.
I get what you’re saying and I’d have no problem admitting to what you’re describing, but can honestly say that I’m really not attracted to her. Apart from the age difference (which is a real turn-off for me) and the fact that I’m married to her mother, she’s just not my type. (And I’m thankful for that - I can only imagine the ways it would complicate things). I wouldn’t consider her to be my daughter any more if I were her biological father.
Even my dick agrees, and he’s known to have made some wildly inappropriate statements in the past.Just from my interpretation of your post, it seems like the tiny little nugget of discomfort comes from you being aware that the situation could be viewed as inappropriate from an external source.
Whatever the specifics are I know you can work through it and come through and rescue the situation without having to alter the family dynamic to do so.
This is definitely an opportunity to build yourself up and make more of the potential that you have.
Ya these responses are making some really weird assumptions. Don’t let them gaslight you.
Also, don’t tell your wife or daughter what you’re going through unless you can’t control it and need intervention from them.
They may think less of you for it but no one is perfect, and no one is expected to be perfect, but it’s hard to explain to people the simple truths of these things without them judging you on their own criteria, and it would be rare to be in a situation where you can freely express your feelings of physical attraction to your step daughter without it seeming like a fetish kink perversion type thing and not as an involuntary neuronal activation response.
Just say nothing, but start wearing your bdsm outfit.
This has to be the definite answer. 😂
On the other hand, it would definitely be inappropriate for her to walk around entirely in the nude
Now I’m going to get downvoted to oblivion for saying this, but just hear me out. Why would she be inappropriate even if she did that? How does the act of being nude at home harm anyone? There is literally not a single explanation as to why nudity must be looked down upon like so.
The only reason why nudity is perceived to be inappropriate is due to cultural/religious reasons. I believe it is due to this misunderstanding that being naked equals having sex. This however is obviously not the case. Scandinavian culture is much more libertarian in this regard. Look up their “saunas”. Compare this to Middle Eastern culture for instance, where skin isn’t appreciated much.
When we look at your situation from this point of view, should an individual really have any right to dictate another adult individual about their choice of clothing? I believe the only reason why the revealing clothes are making you (or anyone for that matter) uncomfortable is due to cultural/religious influences. Shake that aside, and this situation doesn’t even remotely become special or weird.
You bring up an interesting point, and I have an answer in my head that makes perfect sense to me, I’m just not sure I have the vocabulary to convey it.
A lot of sex- or genitalia-related things (or intimate things in general) depend on the context more than on the act itself - e.g. even though my urologist has seen & handled my wedding tackle in the past (and I’ve even paid him for it!), it would be considered rather unprofessional of him to want to do exactly the same thing if we happened to meet at the pub. My masseuse only touches my butt during a massage, etc.
Nudity is not a bad thing as such. It’s just that we’re not a nudist family at all, and so if anyone walked around in the nude, it would be way beyond the social norms (for lack of a better word) that we as a family have been practicing for years. I would at the very least expect them to give us a heads-up and explain to us why they suddenly want to stop wearing clothes.
The social norms we have don’t always make perfect sense, but may still be important to either maintain or challenge as a group because other people’s comfort zones depend on them.Also, as a male in the perfect age group for a mid-life crisis interacting with impressionable young females that are somewhat dependent on me, I always feel like I need to be super-duper extra cautious.
I hope that makes sense.
Personal opinion: casual nudity should be more prevalent and in the longer term makes it easier to handle nudity without associating it with sexuality.
I feel like this is one of those things where if you grow up around it it’s a lot easier to handle than if you were suddenly thrust into it.
There’s definitely going to be an awkward transition phase at the very least
phrasing
I agree with other commenters saying basically it’s normal, but she should be allowed to live her life. You are not your first thought, your lizard brain will react to a stimulus with an immediate thought, but what make you be you is how you react to that thought. Do you lash out, do you act, do you beat yourself up, or do you say no thank you to that thought. Those are the things that matter.
I think there is something to be said for boundaries. Everyone she meets in life is going to have different boundaries, including future roomies. She would do well to be mindful of what people in her closer vicinity are and aren’t comfortable with. My fiance once had a roommate who really liked being nude, and my fiance was not okay with it. We are also learning about the asexual spectrum in our house as we realized that my fiance is Gray-sexual. So we are navigating new understandings of boundaries, consent, and desire. It might be a good idea for you to do some contemporary research on these things, and after gaining a robust understanding, sharing that knowledge with your family could be beneficial.
But if you charge into that and follow it up with “so you should wear more clothes” then you’ll have lost the pot. Share that knowledge and let them run with it instead
As a woman who is attracted to other women it has never been a problem for me and my friends to get dressed together or hang out together wearing far less than what you are describing. The only reason I can think of for it to be uncomfortable is if someone is viewing someone else with desire. If that is not the reason, what is? If it is the reason stop doing that and you won’t be uncomfortable.
There is no universal “line”. Every family has its own implicit rules about clothing and nudity, which vary from situation to situation.
If she doesn’t question the rules acquired on her mother’s side (your SO doesn’t seem to be worried by her clothes), it’s because she sees you as an adult in the family, i.e. someone she trusts and who won’t sexualize her.
If you feel uncomfortable, I think you should work on that on your side. I think these days, it must be precious for a young adult to have a safe place, where she can dress without being judged or sexualized. You shouldn’t risk taking that away from her.
