I realized I was some flavor of trans about two years ago. At first, I considered myself agender and not cis, but didn’t accept the trans label (that didn’t last long so its still about 2 years either way - I still like the agender label I think, but also consider myself transfem). Started HRT almost 3 weeks ago.

Part of the delay was not sure HRT was right for me. Specifically didn’t know if boobs were something I wanted to deal with, so I tested them out via breast forms, including going cosplay back in November.

Another is I worried about how it would affect my ability to earn money, so I wanted to save up a lot first.

Another reason for waiting is a I wanted to at least come out to my parents and sister before starting (which I still have not done).

Anyways, finally decided to start because we were considering getting a house and if so, that would have delayed savings goals far too long. At the same time, my sister announced being pregnant and I realized I didn’t like the idea of being an uncle.

I still am not certain and wonder if I should quit taking HRT. I don’t really have a reason why I should stop, but given I don’t consider myself a woman, it feels like I’m breaking some sort of rules that I intellectually don’t believe should exist (if someone wants HRT, it shouldn’t matter what their gender is). And of course anxiety related to discrimination is still a thing, particularly given my field of work and the state I’m in. Also, the anxiety of having an appointment for getting HRT (the lack of specific goals and using my very gendered birthname made me feel particularly like an imposter during the appointment) and anxiety starting (despite being really happy about it) I think triggered quite significant feelings of dissociation before I started, so at the time I started, my thoughts were basically “the me of a few days ago decided I should take this, so I’m going to, but I have a hard time feeling like that person was me and I feel disconnected for my current feelings.”