Oh and also ecstatic at parties probably because of ‘more intense feeling of emotions’ as autism symptom (which I love) (yes also I’ve felt super sad for long times, which I also learned to love) then I survived the medical system, and now I rebuild myself again.
Thank you for being here and creating this space of sharing and caring (holy phrase *nose exhale indicating a laugh)
Parties, when I felt free to express myself, I expressed myself in ways I enjoyed, as 100℅ sober (certainly “high off life”, sometimes ‘sugar-high’, and sometimes perceived ‘high’ due to long times of fast) (psychiatrist once mentioned I eat “practically” (no another word suits the translation better, however I deem it practical) as in I eat when I wish to eat and fast for long times when I don’t (which seems so correct to me)
Ok many words, bye, and love you. Also I wish we all love all.
Continuously Twisting hair by myself. I Feel uncomfortable doing so in public, however it seems authentic to me (I’ve done this for years). And yes, I might (consciously/subconsciously/unconsciously, or somewhere on a consciousness spectrum) feel and or predict uncomfortableness within a circumstance, and circumstantial existences (people), might conclude (to a ‘degree/spectrum/binary’ of possible justness/validity, that:) I twist hair because I feel and or think something about them (also possible as binary and/or spectrum, whatever is/was/will be true per moment)
To clarify: yes I do think sometimes and sometimes I think not, previous moments I describe in this post, I twisted (my) hair to twist (my) hair (period), (and yes biologically that soothed me).
I noticed sometimes people reacted with body language I deemed as: unease, annoyed, confused; and thoughts of ‘flirting?’ and/or feelings combined with 'suspicion: I (might) have a/some ‘ulterior motive’ (I deem myself accurate ,at that time, at perceiving thoughts and emotions through body language and pattern recognition, including patterns recognized in specific (types of) people and their habits). I associated their actions with those people sort of internally figuring out how to react to me looking athletically muscular (did a 3x per week hypertrophy focused bodybuilding split at the time for a year whilst playing football(EU)/soccer(US) 3x a week lived actively, studied applied psychology at the time) and (self-described) moved in culturally associated ‘feminine’ and certainly in ways I adapted from having special interests for special people (many of those I found through the internet, as examples: XXXTENTACION, juice WRLD, Dominic fike ) (I embraced that with ‘bro’s’ — really my bros at the time, I loved them & gave them what I had as of joy and fulfillment — who were willing to do so), whilst (at the time) 'outperforming the ‘football social circle’ physically and skillwise (at the time) which I sense(d) brought along a social dynamic that had much unease as the club I played at is a religious, (somewhat competitive, mostly at the youth teams) football club.
At the time I thrived, as I barely compared (myself) to anyone (I focused on doing what I loved, and what evolved myself) and lived as fulfillingly as I could in every moment. I wished (and now wish) the direction of the life I lived previously, for everyone (including myself).
Added note: also I did attend parties and social gatherings with people I loved (varying social circles, I kinda felt what the vibe was as of staying at home sleeping/relaxing/learning, or what social circle to join at what time). To clarify, I did have long experiences with my ‘closest’ circle which had made it comfortable to be with, and from there I had gained many experiences adding to the pattern recognition, guided by interest in psychology, from those experiences I socialized with pretty much anyone I met and deemed had something special (to me or them or idk how to define it — I find all are special — hence why I effectively found ‘special’ in many people)
Unfortunately those times passed, I love creating a fulfilling & sustainable life here and now / now and here (just played with words yay)
I love you K : ))
also I put effort into sharing just kind words again. I loved doing that. That created so much yay in the world when I did that. I love how I did that and how I do that again.
Also, please share with me ways in which I can directly connect with Jainism.
Yesterday and today I found, watched and read information on Jainism. I live and lived, for the past 2 years, almost completely aligned with the prescripted way of Jainist life, regarding personal acts and the philosophy.
I find Jainism lovely looking into. I will focus on where their peaceful way of life comes from.
:) (glad) to have read this development
I found out about Thomas’ Infancy Gospel today 😬😁🙂
Offered me some perspective and distance to my life, the religion I grew up with and seemingly live in, seemed like an unescapable cult often.
What a story btw described in the Infancy Gospel, I had an idea, however wow. Did not expect the manner in which Jesus, according to that gospel, killed children.
I’m aware it is non-canonical and I have yet to find out more context to confirm accuracy. However that gospel seems possible to me. Past days I wondered whether Jesus ever killed someone and had a feeling of: yes. According to the Infancy Gospel: yes (as an infant).
The thread makes a rainbowwwwww : ))))))
I aaaaaa, I intensely, and share, I hi, “overwhelmed” and now notice myself expressing myself like a weird autistic, which I didn’t do when I masked all/most the time, apparently I somewhat learned to hate authentic autistic expression which “sucks”. Today I sucked on a lollypop I was gifted by my neighbour which I told her I wouldn’t eat I usually eat whole foods and bla bla bla
And I love hugging people (sometimes, and some people, in a paradise type world: all people) I think all Beings can be so lovely together.!.
I love ppl including people with Narcissistic personality, they’re cute and I wna help them
I wna work as some type of healer
AI told me it’s probably just a misalignment between what I know I theoretically can do, and what I practically can do, within a world causing me shutdowns. (Rather than narcissism)
I have a fixation on cults I tend to get super intrigued by cult-leaders, anyone else has this and or can explain this to me? Besides a medical confirmation on ASD, I suspect I might have some narcissistic related personality (traits?) too, I deem self-aware narcissism as possibility. A therapist once ruled it out for non-scientific reasons, she had also ruled out autism for having “to good eye-contact” (translated), I suspect I might be correct on a narcissism related self-diagnosis too, I have heard from someone close I overestimate myself, also, I obsess with “self-mastery” “transcendence” “enlightenment” etc. which might also just be coping for the autism experience of being misunderstood and wanting to transcend that.
Anyone reading this seems alien to me. Hi (?)
Yes, completely black here! So easy to look at
Kudos for the effort of resolving the previous mislabelings in your family, and wishing you the best for the week with your mom.
I’m glad to read you have found possibilites ahead of time to manage your mother’s visit best as possible, and your partner came up with the spa + silent zone!
Cute! Thank you for taking care of her, and for sharing!
Yes I eat the same things everyday. Created a vegan diet that, according to Cronometer hits all my Reference Daily Intakes even 100℅ scores on the micronutrients. I Repeat that everyday as close as I can based on what is available where I am at.
I did often often often, also my wallet, police returned it 2ce to my parents home