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Cake day: January 20th, 2026

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  • China attacks South Korea 2026:

    > Be the Chinese Gen. Secretary
    > Did some naughty stuff during the Cultural Revolution, but tell yourself that it was worth it for the networking
    > Sounded kinda good in hindsight, now you’re at the top of the machine, untouchable
    > Suddenly, someday Kim comes in to visit with a heavy folder
    > Pull up a chair for him like you always do
    > He splits the folder apart, revealing in excruciating detail what you did, and with whom
    > “You know what have to do now, Xi boy”
    > Announce an attack on South Korea from you beach club
    > Two nuclear powers vs a state with barely any enriched uranium
    > Gonna be a cakewalk, 3 days excursion tops
    > Find out the Skoreans didn’t sit around for 80 years doing nothing and not expecting to be hit
    > They make expert use of precision drones, provided by Samsung, to pummel your bases on the coast
    > Your soldiers are so scared of these they dress into civvy clothes, get off bases and check into hotels
    > They get targeted anyway, since the Japanese and the Americans are providing intelligence for free
    > Try to retaliate, but hit schoolchildren instead
    > “South Korea is increasingly desperate!”
    > Foreign FMs start asking for a reason for the war
    > “We had to go in preemptively to stop the Nkoreans from beating us to it”
    > 3 weeks in, accomplish nothing
    > The Skoreans have effectively closed the strait of Malacca
    > Your cargo ships trying to make it to the ocean are burning
    > Meanwhile, Kim has quietly pulled his forces from the ordeal to go deal with the Philippines
    > Ask the PLA Navy to provide escort, top admiral suggests placing cargo ships in front of warships to avoid the mines
    > Out of options, make an international plea for help
    > Demand the United States Navy and Indian Navy help secure the strait
    > The Indians say that they’re considering it (not), Trump doesn’t even bother to put in a reply
    > Instead they negotiate individually with the South
    > Realize that you’re really screwed and that things aren’t going to get better
    > “This blockade hurts your trade more than it hurts us!”
    > Threaten warcirmes
    > “I will have the honor of taking Mongolia, I can do anything I want!”
    > Hallucinate in a fever dream a meeting where you make productive talks to end the war, post it on your Chinese Twitter clone
    > Literally everybody denies this ever happened
    > Watch in agony as everyone around you think that you’ve finally lost the plot



    Imagine how embarrassing that would be.