My sister killed herself last week. We have services for her later this week.

She was an international translator, spoke over 12 languages, worked for foreign governments, professional sports teams, fortune 500s. She played a few outdoor sports. She leaves behind her son & husband.

Mental health issues run in my family. My mom has schizoaffect disorder, has made multiple attempts in the past, including ones I walked in on. I grew up around or in various forms of therapy for my own shit, including some intense childhood trauma.

We all have our own depression. My sister struggled with her depression & I’ve struggled with mine. I have 3 kids, and they’ve kept me anchored to this world in a responsibility sense. My wife really keeps me going.

Her son is 7. Her husband struggles with anger issues & understanding his son. My main link to her son was through my sister, and I honestly barely know the husband. When she visited, it was always her & her son. Now, I’m not really sure how I can stay in his life.

Towards the end, these last 6-9 months, she closed herself off so much. I texted her weekly, saying I loved her & was thinking about her. I didn’t get a response for 3 months. She eventually got back to me in September, and that’s when we last spoke. I know I tried to keep her here. I don’t feel guilt over the outcome; just sad.

I don’t really need much—my church & local community is supporting me right now. Maybe this is just voidposting / shouting into the oblivion that’s modern internet.

But, fuck, suicide sucks. I’ve had other friends pass from it, but this one really sucks… I thought I had more time with her. I wish I could have one more conversation.

Hug your homies & loved ones.

  • pebbles@sh.itjust.worksEnglish
    5·
    3 days ago

    Heyo. I can’t offer much, but I want to say that I’ve seen you around and I appreciate your presense here on Lemmy.

    I have also enjoyed your “backstory”. I’ve read a post here and there and I always find it so fascinating to learn about folks here. I appreciate you sharing yourself.

    I only vaguely understand suicial ideation. I get the odd thought here and there, but I’ve never felt it intensly.

    My main point is: It would be real cool to be able to read new posts from you for a real long time. I’m not trying to force your hand or anything. Just trying to say that you’re appreciated by some internet rando. Probably more folks than just me.