A cautionary tale. There is a small land-dwelling crustacean known variously as a pillbug, roly-poly, woodlouse, or potato bug. One day, I decided to eat one to see how it was.

It turns out that pillbugs store their wastes as ammonia inside their body, so they taste like stale pee. Therefore, do not crunch them up in your mouth.

Determined, I tried again. This time my plan was to swallow the pillbug whole, so to avoid the ammonia. I picked it up, and it rolled into a ball - “Nice” thought I. “Convenient for swallowing.”

Halfway down my throat, the pillbug unrolled. Now pillbugs are designed to push their way through dense litter and detritus. They have a rounded, smooth exterior, and multiple legs. Also they can tell “up” from down". So the pillbug decided to walk back up my throat. Every single step.

Turns out pillbug determination is WAY more powerful than a human’s puny peristalsis, so I felt that pillbug move its way slowly up my esophagus minute by minute, until it emerged into my mouth. Feeling it had earned its freedom, I spat it out into the garden intact.

There. Now I have told the story and eaten a pillbug, so you don’t don’t have to. A public service from Sandy Petersen.