What the title says. Well intentioned, often other “neurodivergent” people look at your life, your autism, and say: “you should mask harder.”
For example, I accidentally said something that offended a friend. Won’t go into detail, but it was me unintentionally coming off as arrogant, not something bad like a slur or hate speech.
I asked for advice (elsewhere) and the advice was universally, “you see, NT avoid this topic at all costs. Going forwards, know it is best to avoid this topic.”
But isn’t this just saying “mask harder and be more palatable for everyone else”?
Every piece of “autism advice” I see even in “neurodivergent friendly” communities is basically “how to be less autistic.”
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No you shouldn’t rinse and brush as much off as possible, it undermines the environmental benefits of using the dishwasher to save water. The dishes and dishwasher will be fine.
Yes brush or scrape as much as possible, that does save water. Does not need rinse and can save that water.
“Read the room” is not a rule. “Read the room” is a skill of knowing how the people in the room are feeling.
The rule that skill serves is, “don’t say things that people in the room can’t handle hearing right now”
Obvious example: avoid chattering happily about your recent raise in front of people who are miserable they just got laid off.
Usually, people dismissively saying “read the room” mean, “I know that you are capable of feeling and understanding other people’s emotions, would you please fucking pay attention to that skill right now?” (This is plenty common even for not-autistic people) But of course for autistic people that assumption is just incorrect. People saying that to autistic people need to read the room.
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I would argue that it’s moreso that there are many more specific and clear social rules, but most people don’t know how to explain them, so when asked, they just say “read the room”. As another person said, it might also be a reminder or shorthand of something that you are assumed to already know intuitively.
I think part of the skill is tone, which is kinda dumb since the truth you communicate is basically the same. Even so, something like “I don’t know why I’m alive anymore” might be considered rude while something like “eh” or “not great” or “same as usual” (hopefully that’s not your usual) or even something like “well, I’ve been a bit overwhelmed by current events recently” would generally not be seen as rude. You can still say something that’s true; you just have to soften things. It would be easier if the softening was not necessary, but as people have gotten at earlier, you have more power to change yourself that to change how the rest of the world reacts to things.
I’m not diagnosed autistic or any other form of neurodivergent. To the day if someone asks “how are you?” I might give a real answer. “Not good, my cat is sick and I’m worried he might be dying” was one I gave last year, to a food service worker. He gave me a discount that day, acknowledged that that doesn’t make it better but he did something to show he saw me and we have been a lot more friendly since then.
I don’t dump on him every time I see him, because I genuinely have good days, but he lights up when he sees me, and that makes me happy too.