What could go wrong?
Seriously, tell me all the ways it could go wrong. It makes me happy thinking about it.
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Aliens.
No Aliens. Aliens would be too cool for those folks. They should die in space where their obscene wealth cannot help them.
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Too quick and no opportunity for personal regret.
Nothing is scarier than the Xenomorph or “The Thing”.
Literal Nothing. The Vacuum of Space.
It wasn’t as cool as you’d think, the aliens just fired an EMP at their ship
Don’t forget to control the spaceship with a 10 year old Madcatz controller!
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Aren’t all speeds sublight speed?
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It’s always something banal.
I bet on billionaires ignoring the poor guy pilot’s instructions. Shitting in zip packs and letting them stay around like NASA? Why wouldn’t they just drop these out?
Oh no, they had a huge leak of oxygen.
Oh no, they tried to restore it directly from a tank, and it burst into flames after someone made a spark.
Oh no, top Wall Street guys are either suffocating or burning at the same time.
Oh no, someone, probably Elon, got out in a spacesuit, and he has 600.00 seconds to observe the Mars, the Moon, the Earth and other stars and planets before his personal supply of oxygen ends. He was afraid of it happening like this, so he got a plan B. A gun, to be precise.
Oh no, he missed. He shot his jaw off and broke the headscreen of his spacesuit. The vacuum sucked the air out of him, and then his lungs fell through his bloody mouth. Kneeled, with his eyes popped and his guts out of his throat, he had no chance to see the Earth.
The Earth, that just keeps spinning without him, ignorant of his fate. And that it is actually getting better, greener without him and his friends.
Before shooting himself, he thought, sweating and crying, if someone back there would care. And yes, we would. Because we care. And we would put his suit and his meat into different cosmic garbage containers.
Hope I served you a little mentalgasm
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If we can convince rich people to go down to the bottom of the ocean in an exploding submarine, surely we can convince them to go into space on an exploding rocket.
Great, so instead of eating the rich we’ll be breathing them
I don’t mind using an asthma inhaler if it means we’re free of the old 1%ers.
As to how we actually prevent the next crop from becoming psychopaths, well, I’ve got nothing…
It won’t be a problem if there is no next crop-- let’s just make it impossible for anyone to get/stay ridiculously wealthy
Taking preorders today. First unmanned set up mission to be launched in 18 months. First manned colony ship full of technicians to launch in 24 months. First luxury Starship™ to launch in 36 months.
12 years later
The first ship full of semi-functional robots and temporary shelters (engineered to nanometer level tolerances) blows up on launch pad.
Musk announces that it was a very successful test. During the next investor call, Musk explains that they are on track for the manned mission sometime next year. He says that preorders have slowed but not stopped, that the premium nonrefundable Space Marine™ and Starfighter™ packages have continued to increase revenues, and that they are in negotiations with Disney to offer Jedi™ packages that come in Padawan™, Knight™, and Master™ levels (the knight package will include simulated telekinesis on day one, while the master packages should be able to deliver ESP sometime after wave 1 of colonists reach X city on Planet X, formerly known as Mars).
Musk goes on to explain that the switch to only taking payment through the X app is actually saving them money. Musk’s line is “accidentally” muted while he is responding to a follow up question about X refusing to comply with investigations related to banking regulations that he claims it is exempt from.
Tesla stock plummets the next day, and yet, somehow, is still overvalued.
There will be an oxygen subscription model, oh wait we don’t have any oxygen.
It’s going to be like that fucking submarine but much much bigger.
I am legitimately exited for the first time in years. Let’s whish the billionaires well on their amazing journey!
Except he’s not going to send the ultra wealthy first. He’s going to send upper middle class engineers middle class trades people to set up the base.
His robot has shown the ability to…pick up and drop objects in a controlled environment. So people are going to need to go to set up the suicide domes.
There’s many exciting opportunities to die horribly on the way to mars.
Exploding in the lower atmosphere due to the rocket having to red line its engines to get the thing to orbit and starship having absolutely no tested abort system.
Suffocating in a steel tube because the life support system was built using “move fast and break things” techniques, unlike nasa who designs with “there’s no second chances” as a philosophy.
Elon’s car, launched on the first falcon heavy, was supposed to be orbiting mars, but they fucked up somewhere and it’s now orbiting the sun in deep space. So getting trapped on a vessel doomed to orbit the sun for decades due to incompetence is also a uniquely horrifying way to die. Trip is supposed to take 6 to 8 months, but after that, supplies will run out.
Keeping humans in tight spaces for months is a regular problem in submarine corps and space flight. Administrations meticulously select their candidates so they don’t go batshit and try to murder each other. Elon will no doubt ignore this entirely. So a mundane death via mutiny or surprise spree killings is exciting.
Starship has no plans for radiation shielding. So constant exposure to solar radiation or acute exposure during a solar storm is a great way to accumulate dangerous doses of radiation that will kill you in a few years.
6 months of micro gravity will deplete a lot of bones mass, especially if crews aren’t drilled on regular exercise techniques to slow it down. So it’s entirely possible the entire crew makes it down to the mars surface and breaks their legs trying to walk around.
Speaking of making down to the surface. Starship lands on its engines. Engines that are powered by incredibly precisely machines turbo pumps that provide the pressure for the combustion chamber. No one has tested what happens to these pumps, or the lubricants in them, when they’ve been sitting in space for months. Will the engines even fire while you’re screaming through the thin Martian atmosphere at 12 kilometers per second?
If they make it down and don’t break their legs on a rock. They now have to build and live in domes that haven’t even been designed yet. Mars is very radioactive compared to earth, and radiation sickness on missions is a real concern. Living in a dome is silly, as it’s not going to block enough rads to keep people safe. So more than likely, the crew will move from the small tube of the starship, to a bigger tube of an old lava tube. See above about humans going batshit when in confined spaces for extended periods.
These are just the ways to die that I could think of Off the top of my head. I’m sure if this mission happens, Elon will “discover” “new” challenges that will unfortunately kill the entire crew.
Instead of having the implode feature, it is entirely built around exploding!
They’re halfway to the Mars. Suddenly, a voting option appeared on everyone’s smartphone on the Earth. Vote to either let it be or blow it up.
Pretty light appear in the sky soon after.
Pedantic, but halfway to mars you probably couldn’t see the explosion with a telescope, let alone with the naked eye.
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I say we let them kablooey just a little closer to earth so we can all enjoy the lights.
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Pedantic, but the pretty light would still appear.
Don’t look up movie spoiler …
!This makes me think of the ending where they get off the ship on another planet just to immediately get eaten!<
God I hope the billionaire evacuation Starship™ ends up in a Sarlacc pit to suffer for ten thousand years.
Wouldn’t it be funny if all the scientists, recently saying, the earth doesn’t have much time left, is just them faking out the evil (spoiler they’re all evil) billionaires, once we rid earth of them, we all break out in a world wild party. It definitely fits that Elons fans are actually minions, too.
Billionaire Penal Colonies!
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You folks are getting this upside down: the idea is to ship us, together with the all the high polluting activities.
I fund this!
The Golgafrincham approach to surplus population.
Except telephone sanitizers actually have an important job to do.
As long as they name “all of earth” as their inheritors. Or I guess we could nationalize all their stuff once they’re gone. One of those DIY countries.
