Yeah exactly. I’ve been on the receiving end on of (male) bullying quite a bit and also haven’t always been nice to others myself in order to try and fit in. I can only remember one physical incident in all those years. That guy was the classic “movie” bully, just an asshole terrorizing everyone around him, so naturally I decided that something had to be done (it did not go well). Other than that it was all psychological. “Friends” that started saying mean things the moment they were around people they looked up to.
Something that makes it a bit more difficult is also that bullying in these cases was often not black and white. The line between friendly teasing and psychological bullying was often quite thin. In hindsight I interpreted a lot of teasing jokes as bullying because I took everything literally and was very protective of my stuff. That doesn’t excuse them because it was very clear that it hurt me, but it’s interesting that some of those interactions now have become regular interactions between me and my friends that both sides clearly enjoy.
Yeah, there is a wide, weird and very fuzzy line around bullying that I didn’t even know how to bring up without rambling about different qualifiers for several paragraphs.
We all have a weird growing-up phase where we’re still learning to socialize, where we learn where the lines are between being the center of attention smartass who always says shocking things and makes his friends laugh, and being some kind of sociopath who doesn’t care about the feelings of others. We need to understand that everyone has different kinds of development and different kinds of peer-groups. I have met countless people, men and women, who regret their behavior as children, but also, would they have the healthier perspectives and respect for others now if they didn’t mess up and realize they were hurting others? Almost impossible to say.
Really what people need most growing up in this period is involved and healthy parents who can give advice with how to deal with problematic peers, how to have self-esteem and do the weird, often painful social dance of school and social life as a kid and teen.
In a half century of life or so, I think I’ve met maybe one or two families who have this level of involvement and shared engagement and support.
Yeah exactly. I’ve been on the receiving end on of (male) bullying quite a bit and also haven’t always been nice to others myself in order to try and fit in. I can only remember one physical incident in all those years. That guy was the classic “movie” bully, just an asshole terrorizing everyone around him, so naturally I decided that something had to be done (it did not go well). Other than that it was all psychological. “Friends” that started saying mean things the moment they were around people they looked up to.
Something that makes it a bit more difficult is also that bullying in these cases was often not black and white. The line between friendly teasing and psychological bullying was often quite thin. In hindsight I interpreted a lot of teasing jokes as bullying because I took everything literally and was very protective of my stuff. That doesn’t excuse them because it was very clear that it hurt me, but it’s interesting that some of those interactions now have become regular interactions between me and my friends that both sides clearly enjoy.
Yeah, there is a wide, weird and very fuzzy line around bullying that I didn’t even know how to bring up without rambling about different qualifiers for several paragraphs.
We all have a weird growing-up phase where we’re still learning to socialize, where we learn where the lines are between being the center of attention smartass who always says shocking things and makes his friends laugh, and being some kind of sociopath who doesn’t care about the feelings of others. We need to understand that everyone has different kinds of development and different kinds of peer-groups. I have met countless people, men and women, who regret their behavior as children, but also, would they have the healthier perspectives and respect for others now if they didn’t mess up and realize they were hurting others? Almost impossible to say.
Really what people need most growing up in this period is involved and healthy parents who can give advice with how to deal with problematic peers, how to have self-esteem and do the weird, often painful social dance of school and social life as a kid and teen.
In a half century of life or so, I think I’ve met maybe one or two families who have this level of involvement and shared engagement and support.