A local lesbian who doesn’t care about sports has determined that that is why she cannot find love and therefore she may as well just die.

Jesse Cameron, 33, came to the dire conclusion after yet another failed first date at a bar. “I was trying to talk to her about her childhood trauma, but she just kept yelling at the guys on TV playing baseball or soccer or whatever,” said Cameron, who yells at her own TV while watching The Ultimatum: Queer Love. When asked what game was on at the time, Cameron’s eyes glossed over like her cat’s after he had dental surgery.

Cameron has tried to show enthusiasm for her dates’ interests. “I even went with one to a Jays game, but as soon as she found out I didn’t order a veggie dog, she ditched me. Can’t win, so I guess I just walk into the sea now? How does this work?” […]