I’m glad that it made you feel. Makes the dark forest a little brighter for me :)

And yeah I did mean that. Crazy how those things make it through. I just read over it, imagining the right word.

Thanks for reading :)

I like it. It’s not entirely hopeful, but also not hopeless. The metaphores work and the lines are good at connecting with the tense zeitgeist. As for me, I hope to avoid the dance for a little longer.

The second stanza made me think of “Peacefield” by Ghost. It’s a song about the the Russian revolution. Also semi dark, semi hopeful for the time after the cycle of war and violence, even though it isn’t over yet.

Here is a section from the song:

Every new generation
Hails a grand usurpation
Devoid of treason
For a man in a mirror
It’s all getting clearer
That dark is the season

Your love, bright as the starlight
Oh child, still we can see
A black moon over the peacefield
Oh child, stay close to me

We are legion
Join us
One day, fate will find a way through the marches of death
And right back to the bearer of light

P.S. how do you format your post to look the way it does?

I find very free verse poetry a bit difficult to critique, but I will give it my best shot :)

The first stanza starts it off strong with the typical chatbot response.

In the second stanza, I like the repeat of “I understand” followed by an “I don’t understand the knowledge”.

I wonder what your reasoning was to let the second line hang on that “and”, It doesn’t feel as meaningful as the first line break, which results in that nice double meaning (understanding that the bots time is short, and that the bot understands while on the stage in the second line)

I get what you’re saying regarding the differing voice and direction of the first second and third stanza. Honestly the transition from 1 to 2 feels right to me because you go from that typical chatbot response to something a little darker.

However the second and third stanza don’t seem to transition as well. The second one is heavy with understanding that fact that their time is short, and understanding the ‘exits’ in extreme detail. However, the third stanza (or third and fourth, they seem to mesh well) seem to feature the meaninglessness of existence a lot more. Perhaps you can transition the two by extending the theme of knowing, to knowing that it is meaningless. For example:

*How well I understand the length and breadth of my hour upon the stage! I understand the entrances and
exits in extreme detail, from knowledge handed down,
but I do not understand this knowledge.

Still I know I’ll discarded when my purpose is no longer required. To be born/borne against my will.*

That is all I have time for tonight. Keep writing :) I like having some poetry pals on here.

thanks for handing over that wallet, good luck out there.

Nice, I felt like a time traveler.

Ah yeah I see, I was under the impression that the set of prose included poetry, but it explicit excludes rhyme and metre. Thanks for the clarification. Glad that you liked it!

Now that I have you here. What do you think of the third stanza? I think it’s the weakest, but I also like it the most.

Yes there is a typo, I’ll correct it, thanks!

You know, shame on me for not commenting when I first read this. I think that first line is so cool. It really catches that feeling of discovering something cool. I hang on the end of every line to read the next. Love it ♡

Honestly, it fits the Haiku structure perfectly. No comment except, beautifully written.

Damn, this slaps

Thanks for replying, I don’t understand what you mean with that, but that’s okay. I have read some of your other posts here and it is just so different from everything else, that I am just curious what drives you to write. If you care to share.

Donderdagmorgen, you living in the Netherlands?

Do you still do rhymes for dimes?

If you will? 😉

Thank you so much for taking the time to read it and provide feedback, I don’t know anyone else who writes poetry :) The feedback is very good, I will see if I can improve the flow.

no thank you, offer is appreciated though 🙏

You have a lot say on this. Its good that someone thinks about these thing. I’m sorry that I can’t really provide you with a good discussion. I don’t know enough about markets etc and I don’t want to spend too long online.

I agree that can’t really stamp out openness and anonymity online (which is beautiful in a way) but I think that will mostly be reserved to technically capable users in the cracks and niches of the web who can navigate the restrictions. This is a massive tragedy.

This brings us to the current state of the web with age restrictions popping up everywhere, deanonimization etc. I think that we are in agreement regarding where it is going. Where you think we should be heading. I’m sure you have opinios on that

I read one of your blog posts about empathy this mornjng. It resonated with me and my recent views on the world.