My sister killed herself last week. We have services for her later this week.

She was an international translator, spoke over 12 languages, worked for foreign governments, professional sports teams, fortune 500s. She played a few outdoor sports. She leaves behind her son & husband.

Mental health issues run in my family. My mom has schizoaffect disorder, has made multiple attempts in the past, including ones I walked in on. I grew up around or in various forms of therapy for my own shit, including some intense childhood trauma.

We all have our own depression. My sister struggled with her depression & I’ve struggled with mine. I have 3 kids, and they’ve kept me anchored to this world in a responsibility sense. My wife really keeps me going.

Her son is 7. Her husband struggles with anger issues & understanding his son. My main link to her son was through my sister, and I honestly barely know the husband. When she visited, it was always her & her son. Now, I’m not really sure how I can stay in his life.

Towards the end, these last 6-9 months, she closed herself off so much. I texted her weekly, saying I loved her & was thinking about her. I didn’t get a response for 3 months. She eventually got back to me in September, and that’s when we last spoke. I know I tried to keep her here. I don’t feel guilt over the outcome; just sad.

I don’t really need much—my church & local community is supporting me right now. Maybe this is just voidposting / shouting into the oblivion that’s modern internet.

But, fuck, suicide sucks. I’ve had other friends pass from it, but this one really sucks… I thought I had more time with her. I wish I could have one more conversation.

Hug your homies & loved ones.

  • 鳳凰院 凶真 (Hououin Kyouma)@sh.itjust.worksEnglish
    10·
    3 days ago

    I always wonder how much my mom actaully mean it when she claims that she “loves me” and “cares about me”… idk, those words don’t feel like they’re genuine, feels so hollow, I’ve been thinking about suicide recently, can’t get the thought off my mind.

    I wished I had telepathy, I wanna see things from my parents perspective, to see how much they really care, if at all. Because the world would look brighter if I knew that someone truely cared.

    Its a huge battle every day, I keep having to “fight” off that part of my brain, depression, its like a corruption, like a “cancer”, keeps wanting me to die.

    But I don’t wanna die. I like my “backstory” (for lack of a better word), great icebreaker, native speaker to 3 different spoken languges, it’d kinda be cool to impress people. I keep trying to remember the good memories I had with my parents, but even that isn’t enough to stop depression.

    Sorry didn’t mean to hijack the post, I just wanna scream into the void too.

    • pebbles@sh.itjust.worksEnglish
      5·
      3 days ago

      Heyo. I can’t offer much, but I want to say that I’ve seen you around and I appreciate your presense here on Lemmy.

      I have also enjoyed your “backstory”. I’ve read a post here and there and I always find it so fascinating to learn about folks here. I appreciate you sharing yourself.

      I only vaguely understand suicial ideation. I get the odd thought here and there, but I’ve never felt it intensly.

      My main point is: It would be real cool to be able to read new posts from you for a real long time. I’m not trying to force your hand or anything. Just trying to say that you’re appreciated by some internet rando. Probably more folks than just me.

    • burrito@sh.itjust.worksEnglish
      4·
      3 days ago

      Have you ever read the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to heal from distant, rejecting, or self-involved parents by Lindsay C. Gibson? It helped my wife immensely with similar struggles. Your library should have a copy of it. She said it was like taking the blindfolds off and how once you recognize it you can’t unsee it.

      Here’s a good article too https://www.additudemag.com/emotionally-immature-parents-adhd/