So today was meant to be the day was gonna invite a group of people to a small gathering at my house. I made a silly website that’d show all the info and i’d go around personally inviting them.
I think they just liked the idea of being invited more than the event itself. I had around 10 people explicitly tell to my face that they were coming.
Noone followed through.
I probably fucked up somewhere in the process but it hurts nonetheless; It was the first event I had organized for a group. I wanted to share my world with the people around me. I wanted to showcase my dogs and my garden.
At least i’ve learned something, I got to cook some meat for my family. But damn, this feels isolating.
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This happens sometimes. We have wildly successful parties sometimes, and other times it’s just a couple of people and way too much food.
I don’t complain because I also don’t often attend other people’s gatherings.
But yes we need to get back into the habit of visiting and entertaining, it’s good for people. And it’s good of you to offer hospitality even if nobody showed.
Saying your going and then just no showing and no texting is just rude. I would be so angry I would never invite any of those people to do anything again. If they had at least texted that they were unable to come - even without a reason, I would forgive them because I personally sometimes get excited about events and then just really am in a bad headspace on the day of the event. At least I have the decency to text that I’m not coming and apologize. It takes a lot of work to plan a group event whether it is BBQ, Game Night, etc. Poor form to no show and no text. These people are not your friends.
I’ve been stood up or ghosted by enough potential dates that I’ve learned to expect people to not follow through. Even when someone says yes and they seem excited about it, I still proceed with the mentality that it’s just going to fall through between now and the actual date. Before I gave up on dating entirely, I stopped even marking my calendar because it seemed like there was no point. I might as well double-book myself because something’s gonna fall through anyway, if not both things. And it usually holds true.
At some point it became a self-fulfilling prophecy. I stopped getting excited about dates. I started having the worst nerves on the morning of, because like “should I start getting ready or is she about to text me to cancel?” Sometimes I would feel relief when the text finally came, because at least then I could stop worrying about it.
At some point I started texting to confirm whether we were still on, but apparently that screams insecurity and they’d end up being like “You know what no, if you really feel the need to check in with me then we’re not going to waste each other’s time. I don’t need to mommy you.”
Even in the rare case when the date actually happened, I’d be nervous up until the moment we meet, when my relief usually was so palpable that they found it off-putting. Like “Why are you so surprised that I actually showed up?” Plus, I wouldn’t be able to think about much other than self-doubt leading up to that moment, so it was hard to enter it with a good headspace. That usually set the tone for an underwhelming if not disastrous date.
And even if I tried to explain where I’m coming from, they’d just think I’m a misogynist because apparently learning from my experience and worrying about a repeating pattern is an affront to all womankind. I get it, women aren’t a monolith. But also, I have trauma, and whenever anyone else’s trauma informs their perceptions and defense mechanisms then it seems to be okay. Not me though, cause men aren’t supposed to have feelings I guess. We’re just supposed to take it on the chin without losing confidence.
Eventually I stopped planning anything or even trying to meet people, because loneliness and isolation aren’t as painful and confusing as abandonment. I can handle rejection, I’m certainly used to it, but abandonment triggers deep insecurities from my childhood and can send me spiralling. It’s not worth my inner peace.
Now it’s just me and my cat, and I try not to think of my patheticness or my prospect of dying alone, which is all but guaranteed at this point. I just try to distract myself each day, enough to maintain a semblance of stability and peace. I’m doing a lot better mentally than I was before, when I still hadn’t accepted my fate, and still strove to overcome it.
That really stinks that you have unfortunately found some of the most self-centered people in the world. I think it is a symptom of THEM not wanting to say “no thank you” and rationalizing that ghosting others as the easier thing to do for THEM if they really didn’t want to get to know you. Screw those kinds of people! Please know that there are people in this world who find ghosting extremely off-putting. The only acceptable time to ghost someone is AFTER you have already ended the friendship/relationship and they continue to pester you since they have already been clearly informed that you are not interested.
As a person who is highly introverted, yet still desires contact with high-quality people, I do continue to put myself out there strike up new friendships with like-minded people. If you are relying on dating apps to get dates, I would say to remove those from you phone and just seek walking, running, hiking, table top gaming, etc. groups to meet people in a low pressure way. That is what I did and how I met a lot of people who I consider friends that let me know if they can’t come to a gathering for whatever their reason. I joined lots of groups until I found my people in a city of about 120,000ish in the USA. It may take a long time to find your people, but when you do, you know.
Classic reddit post.
Organizing an event without knowing if people will show up is insane behavior. Getting upset after nobody shows up and making posts about it is even more insane.
You took an L, it will be okay. But next time don’t organize a party if you have no clue how social gatherings work.
Bad troll.
Shut the duck up shit bird.
I stopped making plans to invite people to when I was 15 and nobody showed up to my birthday party. Haven’t celebrated a birthday since.
I know it hurts, and it sucks that you’re just now learning this, but you have a family. I assume that means a spouse and kids. Be grateful for them, because not everybody has that.
And modern dating is so shit that anyone who doesn’t already have it is not likely to find it, unless they live in an insular community like a tight-knit diaspora where everyone knows everyone’s uncle, and aunts perform the role of matchmaker. So cherish your family, they are your most precious treasure.
I know loneliness and isolation hurts, and feelings of rejection and abandonment can be very complex and confusing, but if I can learn to be at peace with just me and my cat, then I’m sure you can be at peace with just you and your family.
Give them the happiest home in the world. Do barbecues just for them. Take road trips just for them. When you make improvements to the house or the garden, do it just for them.
Who cares what a dozen acquaintances or a thousand strangers really think? People are shallow and egocentric. Half of them would only stay long enough to take a few photos of your art deco and post it on the gram, then they’d be gone and onto the next place to wring out more content. The other half would be judging you, either because your stuff is too nice and they hate that or because your stuff isn’t nice enough and they hate that. Why invite chaos into your home?
Maybe you’ll make a close friend or two and be able to host a more intimate get-together in the future, but that’s hard to do once you get into the range of 10+ invitees. If you ask me, you dodged a bullet when nobody showed up.
Oh, no. It was my mother, sister and grandma. I’m single
Ah, I see. Sorry for the assumption.
Well be grateful for them anyway, because you won’t always have them.
I know that’s not the same, and it sucks. Trust me, I’m in the same boat. It does suck. But that’s the world we live in.
This matches my experiences. People have become flaky to the point of absurdity. I don’t know exactly how or when this started, but I suspect that cell phones have altered people’s behavior in this regard.
Consider that before cell phones, you couldn’t just send a text to cancel plans last minute - if you made a plan to show up, and you wanted to bail, you still often had to show up because you couldn’t be sure someone would have a phone available. Someone not keeping their plans would cause concern. Now everyone’s got a cell phone in their pocket and can send a message 5 minutes before a scheduled event to say they’re not coming. It’s become normal, and the more it happens, the more people will scale back on planning get-togethers because there’s no way to depend on anyone showing up.
To be clear, I don’t think it’s cell phones per se that led to this, but the behavior of people with the ability to communicate with anyone, anywhere, instantly. People feel safer changing plans last minute because it’s easy and they feel no consequence - only the poor friend who put the time, money, and effort into planning gets the pain from the fall-out. Everyone else just sends a text and goes on their merry way, oblivious to the fact that many people are doing the same thing and it absolutely can result in whoever’s planning the event being left completely alone. I’ve seen it myself for parties, I’ve seen it happen with work-planned movie nights, and here it’s happening to you, too. Something in the culture has changed, and I don’t know how we can rectify it.
My heart aches for you. I am impressed by your strength to even try something like that. All the best.
I don’t know what culture you live in but sometimes people say yes when they mean maybe and need a separate RSVP event to actually confirm. I know New Zealanders always say yes because it’s rude to say no even though they already knew they’re not coming.
I know New Zealanders always say yes because it’s rude to say no even though they already knew they’re not coming.
Isn’t that more rude? To get someone’s hopes up, have them prepare for your arrival, then to disappoint them for seemingly no reason?
It’s not rude in New Zealand. The question over there should be treated as “would you be interested in an event like this?”. Nobody expects anybody to come to anything even if they say yes. You have to get a second confirmation to actually know if people are coming.
Try telling that to the average single woman. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard it explained that they “don’t owe you a flat-out rejection” and that you’re just supposed to figure it out when they stand you up or ghost you.
Nevermind whether or not you’re legitimately concerned for their well-being and want to make sure they’re safe. No, in fact, if you try checking in with them to make sure everything is okay then that makes you a chauvinist pig who feels entitled to a response from women; and they don’t need your concern because they’re strong and independent! (Oh but if they got assaulted on their way to your meetup and are in the hospital but you don’t check in with them then you’re an insensitive asshole; you’re just supposed to know clairvoyantly which is the case in a given situation).
They could be dead in a car accident for all you’ll ever find out unless you get a read receipt, and you’re just supposed to take it on the chin and move on like it was nothing.
Nevermind the soul-crushing questions like “was it something I said” or “I wonder what I did wrong,” which can be very confusing when all you have to go on is your own imagination, especially when it tends to fill in the gaps with the worst possible scenarios.
Nope, your feelings and the impact it has on you literally do not matter, it doesn’t even register for them. Even if that could all be mitigated by a simple “No thank you” or a “Hey actually I’ve decided to change my mind, I’m just not feeling it.” No, that’s too much to expect apparently, and you’re a sexist if you think otherwise. You might literally lose your grip on reality, experience depersonalization and catastrophic breakdown of your self-esteem, akin to what happens to victims of gaslighting. But none of that matters. You don’t matter. Women don’t have to tell you no, you’re just supposed to always assume that the default answer is no. Even when they say yes. Unless you’re Brad Pitt, of course.
Also, the issue isn’t whether it’s more rude to say no upfront or to say yes and then ghost. Rejection is anybody’s right, but ghosting is rude. The issue is that with rejection, they have to face your disappointment (whether you handle it well or not is beside the point), and with ghosting, they never have to see the impact that it has on you. They can fire and forget.
Hopefully the family was still part of the party!
It feels bad, but at least you know who you can absolutely rely on, who will be there for you.
This many people fucking you around there was probably an error somewhere, wrong date or time or something. Otherwise all those people are assholes. Sorry this happened. I hope you still had a good BBQ with your family.
I want to agree on this benefit of doubt. But I know my sibling had the exact same scenario happen, for a Halloween/birthday party. It was very disheartening
Aww man, I’d have loved BBQ today. It was my birthday and entirely uneventful aside from texts from people who didn’t necessarily remember the day but had it saved on their socials.
For my son’s 2nd birthday we invited all of the kids from day care, ask of my friend’s kids, basically anyone we knew with a kid to the party. One woman and her son showed up. I made so much food, I stupidly spend far more money than we could afford for this thing.
I know how you feel friend. Hope your weekend gets better.
That sucks, sorry your plan didn’t work out. Since it’s a 2nd birthday party, did you plan it around a nap time? Toddlers at that age are quite temperamental, and it takes a lot of effort/changing their day to attend a party that’s anywhere from 11am-4pm. That’s the only reason I can think of that might cause people to ghost you last minute.
However, I’m also not above sending a message to everyone who RSVPd yes and explaining to them what it is they did. Just being like “hey, when you RSVP yes, we’re actively including you and people we expect to come with you in our plans. Please respect our time, effort, money, and also your decency as a human being by adequately replying to the RSVP.”
I’m also not above burning bridges so uhh YMMV if you go that route.
It could also be a case of each individual person thinking that they individually won’t be missed, hoping that there’ll be plenty of other people there anyway.
It was over 18 years ago, I have no idea what time we planned it. All the invites and replies were by hand.
It was not my first kid, so I am well aware of nap time. Also we never missed a party we said we would attend because it was nap time.
If you’re in OR somehow, and within a reasonable range of Portland - I will absolutely show up if you do this again.
If you aren’t, DM the general area and maybe I know some good people there that would happily chip-in and show up.
I would be stoked if someone invited me to a BBQ to show off their back yard. I’m sorry the people you invited are… well how can I describe them? Awful? Selfish? Incomplete?
I would’ve been there. Fashionably on-time, like a wizard.
Me too! OP should advert a new one and we should all show up*.
(*If we’re in range)
Wait! A barbecue meetup would rock.
Ten people saying yes to your face then not showing up makes me think something else is going on here. Did you send a text the day before, too?
It could be a date or time was wrong, or people were too exhausted to go by the time it came around. Communication would be useful though.
idk about the culture where you live, but for me it would be quite the disrespect by them. But it depends if it was a “yes, I’ll come” for pure politeness. Or if it is sincere. But anyways, its ridiculous.
Or have you put in the wrong date? :D
Lets see if someone shows up tomorrow
Keep us updated 😆
