You know the one. The dumb joke you chuckled at that now just comes out unbidden at random times.
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Who are you and how did you get in here?
I’m a locksmith and I’m a locksmith.
That reminded me of another one. Someone says to someone else “You’re stupid and ugly!”. Their response, “I am not ugly!”.
Homer Simpson thinking to himself:
“Aww, $20? I wanted a peanut.”
“$20 can buy many peanuts.”
“Explain how.”
“Money can be exchanged for goods and services.”
I think at least one part of this exchange to myself almost every time I buy anything.
My favorite Homer quote has always been
“Oh, I have three kids and no money. Why can’t I have no kids and three money?”
There’s always the classic
“Alcohol the cause of, and solution to, all life’s problems”
And the awesome “But this gun had a hold on me. I felt this incredible surge of power, like God must feel; when he’s holding a gun.”
My wife and I quote this so often!
You might say he’s barking up the wrong bush.
-“Anyway, your immunity Is due to the fact that you lack the delta brain wave. It’s a genetic abnormality which resulted when you went back in time And performed certain actions which made you your own grandfather.”
-“I did do the nasty in the past-y.”
Verily. And that past nastification is what shields you from the brains!
So I really am important? How I feel when I’m drunk is correct?
What do you call a hen that counts her own eggs? A mathemachicken.
Thank you, made me chuckle
Always results in an eyeroll and a laugh/snort/grumble about it being the stupidest joke, but I love it.
Why can you never have more that one egg?
Cause one egg is Un œuf (enough)My favourite bilingual joke. It’s so silly, it’s so fantastic
Oo I like that one! Here’s one of my favs!
Two cats are going to try crossing a river. One is named “One Two Three Cat” and the other is named “Un Deux Trois Cat.”
Which kitty makes it across?
Answer:
One Two Three Cat. . .Because “Un Deux Trois Cat Sank!” :( XD
I’ve heard a lot of people like the Musee d’Orsay, but I found the architecture to be a little garish.
One I’ve heard around a few times is “What if Soy milk is just Spanish milk introducing itself?”
Thanks to xkcd, whenever someone says “blank-ass blank” I mentally move the hyphen over, and depending on the person, if they say “that’s a big-ass ball” I’ll ask them “what’s an ass-ball? And why is it big?”
I do this one too!
“Oh no, not again” from the paragraph:
"Curiously enough, the only thing that went through the mind of the bowl of petunias as it fell was Oh no, not again. Many people have speculated that if we knew exactly why the bowl of petunias had thought that we would know a lot more about the nature of the Universe than we do now.
Where is this from. It sounds amazing.
Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. And yes, it is amazing.
As someone else replied, it’s from the first book in a 5 book trilogy where the first book shares a name with the series: The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, or HHGTTG for short.
It is absolutely brilliant. The petunia paragraph is preceeded by this, for more go read/listen to the books.
It is important to note that suddenly, and against all probability, a sperm whale had been called into existence, several miles above the surface of an alien planet. But since this is not a naturally tenable position for a whale, this innocent creature had very little time to come to terms with its identity. This is what it thought as it fell: ‘Ahhh! Whoa! What’s happening? Who am I? Why am I here? What’s my purpose in life? What do I mean by ‘who am I’? Okay, okay, calm down, calm down, get a grip now. Ooh, this is an interesting sensation. What is it? It’s a sort of a tingling in my… well, I suppose I better start finding names for things. Let’s call it a… tail! Yeah! Tail! And hey, what’s this roaring sound, whooshing past what I’m suddenly gonna call my head? Wind! Is that a good name? It’ll do. Yeah, this is really exciting! I’m dizzy with anticipation! Or is it the wind? There’s an awful lot of that now, isn’t it? And what’s this thing coming toward me very fast? So big and flat and round, it needs a big wide sounding name like ‘Ow’, ‘Ownge’, ‘Round’, ‘Ground’! That’s it! Ground! Ha! I wonder if it’ll be friends with me? Hello Ground!’
(The original is in swedish, so this is obviously translated)
Let’s see said the blind man to the deaf man
Argentinian here, I’ve heard that one too, it sounds better in Spanish (as I presume happens in Swedish). “Veremos”, le dijo el ciego al sordo.
“I see said the blind man to the dead dog” is what I’ve always heard. Definitely a fave
In English, we have something similar:
“‘I see,’ said the blind man to his deaf friend.”
Isn’t the next line usually: “And then he picked up his hammer and saw”
“Try not to suck any dicks on the way to the parking lot!”
In a row?
Many years ago I hung out with an old man that when asked him what he thought about a subject and he had no real input he would answer “I think a sack of flour would make a big biscuit!”
That will stay in my head forever.
I love old man non sequiturs. My dad’s response to a toddler asking him why over and over again is “because I’m building a bicycle made of bananas,” which tends to produce a perfect koan moment and break the question cycle
I feel enlightened having learned a new word, koan, today!
And the toddler was immediately enlightened.
One of my old coworkers at a previous job, I forget the exact context, but when he was asked to do something:
“Hey [Name], can you get this done?”
“Can the Pope’s dick fit through a donut?”
“… I don’t know?”
“Exactly 😎 👉 👉”
Someone: mentions their sore throat
Me: “what? from sucking all the dick?”
“Yes it’s true, this man had no dick”
“What’s brown and sticky?”
“A stick.”
This one’s been doing the rounds in my family for as long as I can remember.
That’s a good one. I heard that the same time as my personal favorite
“Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?”
spoiler
“Because it was dead”
What’s green, fuzzy, and can kill you if it falls out of a tree?
A pool table.
I smiled.
Why’d the second monkey fall out of the tree?
spoiler
___it was stapled to the first.
Why’d the third monkey fall out of the tree?
spoiler
___peer pressure
Why’d the lemur fall out of the tree?
spoiler
___thought it was a monkey.
“What’s big brown and sticky?”
“A big stick”
“What’s brown, and hurts if it falls on you from a tree?”
“A piano”
“Why you know that cow is highly accomplished? Yeah they are outstanding in their field.”
