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After being temporarily ejected from my birth parent’s home on Monday evening under false pretenses, this week has been one of the worst weeks of my life. She has been increasingly transphobic and unsupportive from the beginning and it came to a head this summer after I changed my name.

It is really sad because I am certain she has been gradually affected by cognitive decline and recently it has gotten worse. I was her caregiver for 10 years. Life sucks like that sometimes.

I will defend myself in court in 3 days. She was ordered by the judge to allow me 1 visit in between to pick up more of my belongings because I was only given 5 minutes to do so Monday night by the cops, and of course they show up late at night so I was quite groggy. Sadly, the cops have not called me back yet so in anticipation of her defying the judges order, I splurged at a thrift store and bought a cute black and white mini dress and a black purse to match. And hell ya I am wearing it to court. If I go down, it won’t be while wearing a T-shirt 😹

I had one advantage in my current situation, in that I have been anticipating something like this happening for over 3 months. So I already had a backpack prepared. I kept all my identity documents in it, including all prescription medications, my pill planners, my laptop, charging cable and brick, and a copy of my name change order.

This forward thinking saved this girl’s behind because I had to apply for shelter and SNAP on Thursday and found out that the State I live in, which is one of the better ones for trans folks, STILL had my dead name somewhere on their back end computers. So the guy is looking back and forth between my application and his screen and finally he said, something is wrong, your name doesn’t match your SSN. I was very upset internally but I put that emotion quickly to the side and explained that I was fairly certain that I had my new SS card in my car. He allowed me time to go get it and moved to the next person. Folks, I even had the letter they sent me saying ‘your name change was successful and your card is on its way but you can use this to start updating other things.’ This state tried to screw me over when I updated my medical insurance with them as well. It took fully 1 month to complete and I had to hound them about it. So if you change your name, be prepared for several follow ups with everything you change it on.

If you or anyone else is coming out to people that you live with, please prepare a backpack like this. If things even seem a tiny bit rocky, If they do not immediately embrace your identity, start preparing for the worst. Better yet, prepare before you tell anyone. Please pass along my story to anyone you wish.

I am alive, I am safe, and I am attempting to heal. I have an amazingly awesome therapist and supportive queer community. I was able to create accounts to allow myself to receive donations on the second day I was unhoused because I had all my information at hand. And the community rose up to meet me and try and arrange friendly couches which I will start relying on after the hearing. I have received money from complete strangers. Sometimes life kicks you down with one foot and helps you back up with the other… foot. Ok that line needs work. I still have my sense of humor 😹

I slept in my car on the third night by choice but I wasn’t prepared enough for that. I received amazing advice from people, you can check the thread I posted last week.

I am truly blessed and have started making plans for what I will do with the rest of my life. I am already 54 years old but I think I got another 25 or 30 years left in the tank and I will not give up.

I have worked on compiling a defense and hopefully I can get a public defender as my previous law firm is super busy now. As far as I am aware, the worst that happens Wednesday is that their bogus protective order stands and I will be officially evicted. Fuck it, get me the fuck away from her and the other 2 family members enabling her shitty behavior. I may lose my whole family over this. But I don’t care anymore. It’s up to them to decide who to believe.

Sorry for the huge post. I needed to say a lot, I guess. I have concentrated hard on self care and used some of the funds I was given for 5 nights in the best cheapest hotel possible. Tuesday night I will stay near the courthouse in an even more comfy hotel. I can’t stay in hotels forever and I know this. So I will spend my time finding more friends, learning spanish, creating music and learning how to live and navigate life as another person in between the cracks of society.

I am truly happy and blessed, and I am convinced there is more for me to do on this planet. Thank you for indulging me in this space. 💜💜💜

I experienced being accused of having a not trustworthy judgement of my own symptoms because the doctor thought I was bipolar. (Which is a possibility but that’s not the point) I told her that I have a slow breathing since taking some medecine. Like as low as 5 full breathing cycle in 3 minutes. Or 5 per minutes (50%-70% capacity) which is low. And that’s something I noticed with my new medication. (Imbalance too, diarrhea… Fun stuff)

Love emergency numbers. What is the point of medical advice if what they are awnsering is don’t overreact. I’ll wait for the GP to answer. In the meantime stopping it.

Mostly pretty good! I got a drink with a friend from work on Friday, which was fun and I think we’ll do again with some other work friends soon. I told him I was transitioning, and he immediately offered to write me a letter of support if I decide to fully come out at work and there are any problems. I feel fortunate to have as great of friends as I do 🥰

My wife was gone for the weekend, so I mostly have just been deep cleaning the house. Didn’t get as much done as I had hoped I would, but that’s always how it goes.

I watched I Saw The TV Glow for the first time last night, and holy shit. It is so good, but also it hit me so hard, oof, I still have an emotional hangover. I definitely need to rewatch it, but I need some time to recover first 😂 it looks like Jane Schoenbrun has a new movie coming out like right now though, so I’m going to try to see that soon

i am cramming to finish my bachelor thesis which is due next week, and i’ve somehow managed to procrastinate so hard on the actual written document that i’d hardly written more than a page before yesterday. having your advisor wish you “good luck, you’re gonna need it” is very reassuring ಠ_ಠ

hopefully the adhd last-minute adrenaline-fueled crunch kicks in soon and saves my sorry ass, because i am currently way way WAY overdosed on vyvanse (i’ve burned through a week worth in the last two days, well above the maximum allowed dose for someone twice my weight) and it ain’t doing shit

EDIT: maybe i should chill a bit on the vyvanse, my heartrate is all over the place rn