I want to be dating a guy, and for him to randomly show up at my door with flowers. Maybe some nice chocolates too but really just to show up one day, knock at my door and offer me a bouquet of flowers. Perhaps carefully chosen to show that he’s listened to me, but even just a random allotment of roses that he got from Walmart.

Edit: I’m a gay dude btw

  • Death_Equity@lemmy.worldEnglish
    34·
    22 days ago

    We literally have no idea you would appreciate that. Some people really don’t like that.

    Ask for them or say you want flowers. Even just asking something like “so when are you going to buy me flowers as a random romantic gesture?” Is a clear enough indication that flowers should be bought.

    I know, you just want him to do it spontaneously, that isn’t how guys work. Maybe the first date, anniversary, birthday, or Valentine’s a guy will do flowers unprompted. First date is least likely because it is a burden to have to deal with flowers if he isn’t picking you up from your place and a lot of people don’t feel comfortable telling a guy where you live with a first date. Are the flowers going to sit in the car? Are we bringing the flowers everywhere like some sort of botanical third wheel?

    Guys are practical to a fault. Flowers are such unnecessary and pointless things to spend money on outside of the aforementioned occasions that buying flowers otherwise are such a rediculous concept to the male mind. The money can be used for other things of use and the flowers are just going to die, so what is the point of that waste and lack of utility?

    That isn’t even touching on how such a traditional romantic gesture is possibly some sort of conservative toxic masculinity gender role red flag that supports slave wages for undocumented migrants which you will get indignant over and he gets his nice romantic gesture turned into a bite in the ass.

    So just say something if you want something, that is how guys work. Don’t hint. Don’t demand. Just say what you want and a good man will satisfy the primal need to provide and make it happen. “I would love it if you brought me flowers and some chocolates randomly. That would be so romantic and sweet.” Then you just have to wait, probably until the next time you see him because your need of flowers and chocolates has been elevated to a super important thing and making you wait for some other time would be poor providing for your needs or you may think he forgot and doesn’t care.

    Your eyes lighting up and your smile will chisel in stone that flowers and chocolates are an easy way to cheer you up and it will be done again randomly or to raise your spirits. Once you stop responding with enthusiasm, he will think that it stopped working and will probably stop, so always be excited and happy to get flowers and chocolates to renew your ticket.

    • Rumo161@feddit.orgEnglish
      7·
      22 days ago

      No one can guess that you’d like random flowers. It would be very random for me if someone im dating would just show up in my doorstep without asking if i have time befor.

      Completely random is probably not happening but if you tell your partner it should be possible to get a nice little supprise now and then.

      • andros_rex@lemmy.worldOPEnglish
        3·
        21 days ago

        I’ve had two exes that I told explicitly I’d love flowers, and never got them. Over seven years of my relationship with my ex-husband, never once.

        • sp3ctr4l@lemmy.dbzer0.comEnglish
          1·
          21 days ago

          Maybe you are my proverbial missed connection:

          Every gal I’ve dated seriously, unprompted, I would surprise them with flowers, chocolates, charcuterie boards…

          … listen to all those actually actionable, verbally dropped hints, and followed up on them…

          … and not all, but almost all of them, either physically, financially, and/or emotionally abused me, and/or cheated on me (in what was ostensibly a monogamous, non polyamorous relationship).

          Maybe we are now both… different sides of the same coin, kind of disappointed and tired, lol?

  • partial_accumen@lemmy.worldEnglish
    10·
    22 days ago

    I don’t buy flowers for holidays and especially not for apologies for my wife. I do it because maybe its a random Tuesday and I know she’ll be delighted and surprised to receive them.

    • andros_rex@lemmy.worldOPEnglish
      5·
      21 days ago

      I can buy myself flowers.

      What the desire is really connected to is the idea that someone would care enough about me to stop at the store while on their way home from work and pick up something small for me. Small gestures of care and affection.

      It’s like how a sandwich tastes better if someone else makes it. There’s a certain aspect of “this person wanted to make me happy” that is more important than the gesture itself. I can make a sandwich myself, but there’s an aspect to the idea that they actively thought about what I would enjoy, that they made it for me to enjoy it.

    • sp3ctr4l@lemmy.dbzer0.comEnglish
      22·
      21 days ago

      Phrased somewhat differently:

      If you aren’t ok on your own, if you can’t validate and responsibly enjoy yourself, your own life…

      …you’re not ready for a serious relationship, you’re either not mature enough, or not yet sufficiently healed from the trauma you carry.

        • sp3ctr4l@lemmy.dbzer0.comEnglish
          2·
          21 days ago

          Hrm.

          I always thought that … if a gift is given with a transactional expectation, of any kind… its not a true gift, it has strings attached, which are often not verbalized, not made clear or explicit.

          This is transactional, controlling, in a messy way.

          …

          I have always thought that a gift should only be given out of… just genuinely caring, and appreciating a person…

          … if anything, the only non ‘perfectly’ altruistic element of it would be you hoping to experience the other person genuinely enjoying receiving the gift, hopefully not performatively pretending to enjoy it… their joy makes you happy, because in some sense, platonic or romantic, you love them.

          Or I suppose at the very least, ‘I don’t need this anymore, but I know you well enough that I think you would find joy or use in it’.

          I think that that mindset of gift giving is … more healthy, comes from you, is much more in your control, you don’t have any expectation of being able to make them like or love you more… worst that can happen is they don’t really appreciate the gift, or find it offensive?

          And if those latter scenarios occur… well, be ready for that to possibly happen, prior to giving the gift, prior to buying or making it or w/e.

          …

          Its… also not good to try to do the uh, apology gift type of thing either, “I fucked up and was shitty, here’s something to asymmetrically compensate you.”

          Thats also another kind of transactional gift giving.

          …

          I am not sure if this is entirely making sense, but I do think that being more altruistic with gift giving, and … giving gifts you can actually afford to give… doing this is you doing something yourself.

            • sp3ctr4l@lemmy.dbzer0.comEnglish
              1·
              21 days ago

              What is fair?

              Well, I have tried to outline what I think is fair.

              Roughly:

              Be honest with yourself, be honest with your gift reciever, do not have unspoken expectations, expect as little as possible in return.

              To… fully get into some kind of exact and precise description of what constitutes ‘fair’ would be an extremely lengthy discussion revolving around altruism.

              https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Altruism

              This is a brief, and I do mean brief summary of ways people have come at this concept.

              What you are describing as your standard is basically ‘perfect altruism’, which uh, basically does not exist in practice.

              So I am really just trying to say:

              ‘with gift giving, aim to be as close to “perfect altruism” as possible, while realizing that “perfect altruism” is basically impossible… this is a better approach than not even realizing you have unspoken expectations, or knowing you have expectations of the gift reciever, but not making them clear to the gift reciever’.

              Actual perfection is impossible, nonetheless, strive toward it to the best of your ability… while also realizing people can and will disagree about to what extent you are succeeding at that.

  • Tm12@lemmy.caEnglish
    6·
    22 days ago

    I was once buying flowers for my partner because I knew they enjoyed them. The guy selling them asked “what’s the occasion?” And I just shrugged. “General maintenance?” and that’s how I have thought of it ever since. It’s good for the relationship to remember your partner’s wants and needs unprompted. Makes everyone feel good. Not an expectation per se, but it is work.

  • Oka@sopuli.xyzEnglish
    27·
    22 days ago

    Chocolate, I understand. But you can do better than flowers. Ask for something with a long-term use, like a board game, book, or puzzle.

    • VioletSoftness@piefed.blahaj.zoneEnglish
      51·
      22 days ago

      flowers are pretty and the ephemeral nature is part of the beauty of the gift. It’s not about having a thing it’s about the lovely gesture and how beautiful and lovely smelling they are for a while.

        • VioletSoftness@piefed.blahaj.zoneEnglish
          1·
          21 days ago

          that’s your prerogative but you’re also gifting them a lot of responsibility and chores with that so you know make sure that’s something they are into first.

          Plants don’t have nervous systems and don’t feel pain when cut, they are a renewable resource and some types of plants suffer no harm by the cutting of flowers. Every woman i have given flowers to has been delighted by it and I have been delighted to receive them myself!