I’m just tired, sad, ill, disappointed, and so very alone. That’s all I got this week.

Honestly, when I left Reddit I was extremely excited by the potential of federation, but at least in the case of Lemmy, my enthusiasm was premature. I mostly stay on Beehaw these days.

I’m a member of a few communities on other instances- for example, I’m super into aquariums and “Pets” just doesn’t quite do it for me as it lacks in-depth discussion of aquarium fish, and as an autistic/ADHD adult “neurodivergence” doesn’t quite meet my needs as it seems to be strongly focused on people who only have ADHD.

The communities I’ve joined on other instances don’t have a lot of traffic, so I end up back here 99% of the time, and that’s okay. If Beehaw decides to become a non-federated community I will still be here. I have a few other accounts I can use to access the Fediverse should I want to do so.

I started to post yesterday, but I was feeling down for no discernable reason, and I couldn’t think of anything to say other than how awful I felt. Today, thankfully, I feel a lot better.

Much to my joy, my youngest (who is 20 years old) has agreed that, instead of me scrambling around looking for perfect, expensive presents for Christmas for everyone (which is pretty much exclusively my job), we’re all just going to buy stocking stuffers for each other and let each person buy their own expensive things instead of expecting me to do it for them. It just seems so ridiculous to me that I got my kids addicted to a Christmas celebration that often left me so burned out that I’d spend the week between Christmas and New Year’s in bed. We’re not even Christian, and my kids are adults, so why on earth am I still killing myself to make the day perfect for them, when they have no interest in doing the same for me? We all have similar incomes, so this seems very fair to me. I hope it will take some of the stress out of the coming season.

Finally, I’m starting to feel better on CPAP. Got a full face mask instead of those horrific nasal pillows (I don’t get how having something shoved into your nostrils is supposed to be the most comfortable option, especially when I had to tape my mouth shut to make them work at all!). I kept waking up flat on my back, when I haven’t been able to breathe while laying on my back since the mid-1990s. Checked my data using OSCAR, and have learned a whole lot. Apparently, with a CPAP and a full face mask, I can both breathe and sleep just fine on my back- last night I only spent thirteen seconds total in apnoea- and I’ve had some episodes of deep sleep that lasted more than an hour, when I couldn’t maintain deep sleep for two minutes with untreated apnoea.

This of course makes me wonder if I’ve actually had apnoea since the mid-1990s and how much damage I’ve done to my brain. At my age I doubt I will get all of it back.

I’m concerned about my eldest, who seems very dull and quiet lately. They’ve been a hardcore tech person since they were a toddler (not even exaggerating) and are now saying things like “I just leave all settings on default, it’s easier”, and not even bothering to do a search when they run into issues with things. They are behaving like my 73-year-old husband and it’s super worrying because they will be 29 next month. I wish I knew what to do to help them.

I also need to stop treating this thread like it’s my personal blog, haha.

I’ve lost 40kg in the past year, but currently cannot afford the new clothes I both need and deserve (I’m still a “plus” size so secondhand shops don’t have much for me). So this winter will be all about layering. I have thermals in several sizes, I’ll just wear the smallest against my skin and the largest on the outside! Next summer I’ll be able to get new clothes and with any luck, by then I’ll be a size that can be found anywhere!

I got some really nice chai from the local Indian supermarket. I gave up coffee a few months ago- or Ozempic put me right off it- and I had a hole in my life where a hot drink belongs. I’m glad to have found something I like.

It’s looking like it’ll be a stormy autumn and winter and honestly I’m here for it, even though I know the reasons for it are ungood on a global scale. I love wind and rain to a ridiculous degree.

I think I’ve finally worked out all the CPAP bugs but I’m still waiting to feel better. I suspect that part of the problem is that the dose of my blood pressure medication needs to be lowered and that’s making me tired, but I won’t see my GP again until next month so I have to deal.

We had a windstorm midway through the week last week, with knocked about 75% of the apples off of my little apple tree, a few days before they would have been perfectly ripe. So we made apple crumble, and it was absolutely delicious. None of the apples were wormy this year even though we don’t spray the tree- just lucky I suppose.

I saw the CPAP specialist, who is apparently a respiratory guy, and he agreed to tighten up the settings on my CPAP so it stops giving me jumpscares in the middle of the night. I can go see him again in a month if that doesn’t help. So far it has not, but it’s only been four days. I also wrote to the nurse helpline to ask how I should dry my hose, and they not only offered to send me a spare hose for free, they are also sending a full face mask for when I inevitably get a cold. This is of course a completely new experience with ResMed, but they can keep it up!

In 1981, I won a goldfish at the fair. My parents were annoyed about having to buy a bowl for it. It died within days (no living creature should be kept in a half gallon bowl), but I pestered my mom into buying a ten gallon tank for the replacement. This was the beginning of a lifelong hobby- I now have nine aquariums in my living room, and in the past forty-some years have spent many thousands on tanks, fish, plants, fish food, and so on. My most expensive tank cost me €5000 to set up.

And all this began because I spent a quarter and managed to get a ping-pong ball into a cup.

I’m staying right where I am. I live in a country (non-US, not really wanting to be more specific) where there is a clear geographical divide between the two sides, and I’m deep into the territory of the side I prefer and think would win easily.

Also, I have anarchist friends, and that’s who I’d personally be turning to if I needed help or was able to be helpful to others.

I knew something was very different about me from childhood, but I didn’t have a name for it for the first half of my life. Then my children were both diagnosed with autism and ADHD as children because it was obvious and unmistakable. Three of my niblings also were diagnosed with ASD. Then my brother got an adult ASD diagnosis, apparently during his assessment for Disability. However, the only person qualified to assess an adult where I’m living now required cash in hand, and it was fifteen years between beginning to think “maybe I’m neurodivergent too” to my own ASD/ADHD diagnosis at age 46.

Still trying to come to terms with my new CPAP. I worked out a few bugs only to develop new ones. According to my smartwatch I’m still not staying in deep sleep for more than a minute or two at a time, and I’m absolutely exhausted. I’m hoping that it’s just that the CPAP works as intended but I’m not used to it yet, because I’m not going to get any help from the ResMed drone who gave it to me. I’m relying on YouTube for advice, which has been both helpful and worrying- my device is apparently an APAP and many of the YouTube experts hate them and even call them dangerous.

I also got a stomach virus late last week, which I’m still getting over, which isn’t conducive to good sleep. I had a massive fight with my adult son the day before I got sick, and then spent the weekend melting down from the sheer overwhelm of the exhaustion, illness, and emotional crap. I’ve been locked in my room since last Thursday and I’m not sure when it’ll be safe to emerge.

This is a great question. My own motto (stolen from Wil Wheaton of course) is “Don’t be a dick”, so whenever I learn that my words are offensive, I start using better words.

But, I am no angel. I just learned yesterday that I’ve been saying something constantly for my whole life that is offensive to the disabled- it’s simply the word “Duh”. It comes out super automatically anytime I do something dumb. I don’t mean it to be unkind to anyone with a disability- I am autistic myself- but I’m going to have to work really hard to stop using that one.

As an autistic adult, it makes me incredibly sad that you would prefer to meet a transphobe. Occasionally (not on Beehaw as far as I know) I’m accused of being pedantic and argumentative online, but often the cause is a total misinterpretation of my tone and intent. I find it heartbreaking that hanging out with a transphobe is preferable to trying to understand an autistic person, and in all sincerity I hope you will explore the cause of your ableism so you can overcome it.

This week is being a bit of a roller coaster. I got a CPAP machine yesterday after having been on a waiting list to get one for years. I was so happy to get it! But last night was by far the worst sleep I’ve had in ages- the machine feels like it’s suffocating me, and I apparently pushed it off my face at some point during the night, but the ridiculous app that came with the machine does not tell you what time you removed the mask or for how long, and apparently if you wake up and take a long time to fall asleep again, the app will totally ignore the initial period of sleep.

So today I’m exhausted and irritable, and woke up to excited messages from friends who were expecting the CPAP to change my life from the very first night, which was difficult to cope with, though of course I know they meant well. I hope things will get better.

I have nine planted aquariums in my living room.

I’m also into gaming, when I have a few minutes.

I’m full-time carer to a 73-year-old man and two autistic offspring who are in their 20s. So besides that and the aquariums, I’m lucky I have time to breathe.

The jokey post is true. The difference is whether a user sees this as a bug or a feature. Many of us see it as a feature. If you see it as a bug, maybe Lemmy isn’t for you.

I also don’t want to see the Fediverse “succeed”. Both Reddit and Facebook were great for a while, then they “succeeded” and enshittification began. The Fediverse is fine how it is, it doesn’t need to become the most popular thing on the internet in order to keep my interest.

I think the issue is that your are expecting a perfectly seamless, Reddit-like experience, with all the admin work done for you but also always done to your satisfaction. That isn’t what the Fediverse is about. It’s more of a DIY ethic than a “The admins suck but this is all we have” like on Reddit.

I’m also not sure what you’d need to “migrate” to a new instance other than yourself. Karma isn’t super relevant here.

My main account is on Beehaw, which has very rightfully defederated with some other instances. When I log in using accounts on other instances, I don’t see a massive amount of missed content. In fact I’ve seen so little of interest that I’ve stopped looking, it’s not worth my time.

I’m using Firefox to access on my PC, which makes it even more confusing.

You can always set up your own instance if you are disturbed by the actions of admins on instances that you have joined.

Alternatively, if the instance you are on changes direction, you can easily find a new one. It literally took me about half an hour after I learned about the Fediverse to get myself set up on several instances, then later on I decided which I preferred. But I didn’t delete the other accounts- they’re still there in case I want them someday.

Mine is very different to yours- I’m glad I cut off my toxic family members, but I deeply regret that I had to.

I hate to be pedantic, but I call the feeling “gratitude” rather than “thankfulness” because I personally don’t believe there’s anyone to thank or who could receive my thanks.

But I’m grateful for many many things. I was able to leave the US twenty-three years ago, and that may be the thing I’m most grateful for. I’m grateful that I recovered from depression seven years ago and have not had a serious relapse (I feel gratitude plays a huge part in that).

I’m grateful for my kids, for my home, my pets, my health, the beauty of the area where I live, the fact that I got an unexpected windfall that let me pay off my debts and line within my small income.

My life is good, and I am filled with gratitude for that.