I don’t care about small businesses I just wanna make that corporate money so me and my kinda distant and self interested husband can buy a penthouse.
I’m sure nothing will cause me to have a Christmas themed change of heart.
Hey it’s me your hometown country bumpkin ex boyfriend. I own that muffin shop by the way and the muffins are great.
I don’t care, I just want to make money at my corporate job and am going to shut down your shop.
You are kinda hunky though so I will agree to go sledding with you.
Congratulations, Miss! As the mayor of Christmasville I’m honored to name you the winner of our annual sledding competition! Your prize is a romantic Christmas-themed dinner at a Christmas-themed restaurant for you and your +1. The perfect place for you to discover the meaning of Christmas.
Well, I guess I’ll take this hunky muffin shop owner since he has been so nice to me despite closing his shop down.
Hey, it’s me, your less attractive but very funny best friend. Make sure to call me if your date goes poorly and you need surprisingly wise advice to get her back
Don’t forget to speak with a southern drawl and use lots of southern aphorisms despite living squarely in the midwest.
Uh oh, this is your cellphone. You left me on the table at the Christmas-themed restaurant open on Christmas Eve where you were having dinner with your country bumpkin ex. While you went to the bathroom, you got a text from your big city pretty boy colleague about “the engagement”. Sorry I couldn’t show your hunky high school sweetheart any more context, but you were the one that password protected your phone. Maybe your hunky high school sweetheart was right when he said you always kept too many secrets! Better clear up this simple misunderstanding quick.
Also your husband texted you he’s been having an affair and wants a divorce.
Fuck my pretty boy boyfriend! I’m realized the spirit of Christmas and the value of the rural petite bourgeois! I will abandon my PMC job and help my new hunky bf run his overpriced muffin store!
Christmas!
Flash forward 9 months from now. You barely use me, your fancy iPhone, anymore. Everyone in town is happy as they come over to your 3500 square foot barndominion to see you, your now hunky husband, and your 3.825 children for a barbecue.
Ding ding, I chirp. You look at the screen. It’s a text from your old boss. “Any chance we could get our top muffin-store-closer back in time for the holidays?”
Cut to a flasback sequence where it is revealed that this is all a psyop by Big Muffin to make hunky husband’s muffin shop too overpriced to exist and to install a new McMuffin’s to this rural town once all competition is eliminated by ways of lobbyists and capitalists. The sequence ends, cut to black.
fin.
Make this all about crumbl cookies and it would be true
If you’re dumping him, can I have the pretty boy city boyfriend?
If he’ll have time for you between his corporate job and his mistresses
oh my glob what will ConcreteHalloween do now???
Hey there, I’m a cute twink also visiting back my hometown. (No more hunky tradhusbands, because of woke.)
Want to unionize your workplace overnight and get Christmas Day off?
WOAH WTF IS THIS COMMIE SHIT IN MY WHOLESOME HETERO CHRISTMAS FANTASY???
Hello it’s me, your fellow corporate cutthroat who was your senior until a few years ago when I died of a heart attack on Christmas Eve from overworking myself searching for more ways to circumvent labor laws. When you found me at my office, I had an important memo on a loophole for how we can drastically reduce effective sick/family leave days below the legal limit. It was fully typed out and sitting on my monitor, just waiting to be sent.
I haven’t really been keeping up with things since then because I’ve been busy with being on fire, but I was sent to visit you to ask you to reconsider where you’re headed in life. It’s not clear if this is a dream or a metaphor or literal.
Bit of a long shot but I recommend Smosh vs Christmas with DM George Primavera. They’re doing kind of an inversion of these corny Christmas movies in this and it’s really good. (This isn’t the sketch comedy Smosh from 2010. If you like Dropout, you’ll probably like 2025 Smosh.)
Smosh is doing DnD now?
EDIT: Or other ttrpg’s. I’m using D&D here for every ttrpg the same way a parent uses the word “Nintendo” for every game console lol.
I found a YouTube link in your comment. Here are links to the same video on alternative frontends that protect your privacy:
These movies are very cozy
