I would say that small talk is when you ask questions you don’t actually care to know the answers to, just to fill the silence. “Did you catch the game last night?” is small talk if I’m talking to my coworker whose name I don’t even remember, but it’s not small talk when I’m talking to my friend who I know has been invested in the season, and whose opinion I actually want to know.
It’s small talk both times, you just don’t like forced conversation with your coworker. And that’s fine, but they’re both small talk. And no, I strongly disagree that it’s defined as answers you don’t care about the answer to. Many people who describe themselves as enjoying small talk do care about the answers, or else they wouldn’t be asking them or they’d be asking something else.
I don’t know why people have defined small talk as some exclusively negative thing. It’d be like someone saying riding a bike isn’t exercising because it’s fun.
I don’t believe that small talk must be exclusively negative just because you don’t care about the answers. I don’t think anyone can honestly claim that people ask things like “crazy weather we’re having, huh?” because they genuinely want to know if you agree about the weather. They just like talking. They like hearing themselves and others make noise. Nothing wrong with that, but I think it’s telling when the people I know who enjoy small talk rarely remember the things I said last time we engaged in small talk - they don’t care about the answers, so they don’t remember them. Again, nothing wrong with just enjoying passing the time with meaningless chatter, but I certainly believe that it is indeed the meaninglessness that defines whether it’s small talk or not.
I didn’t say anything about not liking either of these. The two scenarios are qualitatively different. The purpose of the one at home is to learn what happened that day, how the other person feels about it, planning what we do with the rest of our day, and so on. It’s an exchange of information.
The purpose of asking the cashier about their day is not to actually learn what happened with them (unless you actually know the person of course). It is exchanging pleasantries or just making banter, without the intent of exchanging any information that matters to the other person. I don’t dislike it. But it’s not a conversation, it’s small talk.
I read your top level comment as well and you do seem really irked that some people differentiate small talk from conversation. It seems like you’re fighting windmills though, and it’s in fact you who for some reason has strong feelings about the topic.
Small talk is an important part of interpersonal communication, and it’s good when it creates a sense of comfort, belonging, or serves as the prelude for a deeper conversation. But it can be annoying if it’s self serving, because either it fails creating any positive feelings, or it never gets past the warmup phase. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with people who don’t enjoy small talk, or with those who do.
I guess my gripe is the examples people give, like if you really don’t care, why ask? And I don’t mean the standard “hi how are you fine thanks you fine” dance, I mean why ask a cashier how their day is going if you don’t care? If you want to talk to them, why wouldn’t you ask them something you actually do care about? There are plenty of ways to conversate, break ice, fill a silence (if people feel so obligated) that don’t involve asking questions that they don’t care about, so why ask the ones they don’t care about and then complain about the process? “Omg, I asked the cashier about the weather, but I hate talking about the weather and it sucked.” Then ask about something you do want to talk about if you want to talk? It’s not like it’s impossible.
If it’s a short interaction, I’d rather just exchange meaningless pleasantries to indicate to them I’m a normal person and we can both go about our days. I don’t necessarily want to talk to them at all, but saying, “hey how’s it going” “fine, how are you” takes no effort and lets both parties quickly evaluate the mental and emotional state of the other. It’s social lubricant, it’s more hygenic than shaking strangers’ hands and quicker than telling them your life story. Plus if it’s someone doing their job, I’m not going to try to start a substantive conversation with them, that might just distract them and cause them to make a mistake.
Asking my life partner how their day was is not small talk. Asking the same question from the cashier at the grocery checkout is small talk.
What if they are the same person?
It averages out to medium talk.
If there’s someone behind you, that’s called “holding up the line.”
They’re both small talk, you’re just calling the scenarios you don’t like doing it small talk and the ones you don’t mind doing it something else.
I would say that small talk is when you ask questions you don’t actually care to know the answers to, just to fill the silence. “Did you catch the game last night?” is small talk if I’m talking to my coworker whose name I don’t even remember, but it’s not small talk when I’m talking to my friend who I know has been invested in the season, and whose opinion I actually want to know.
It’s small talk both times, you just don’t like forced conversation with your coworker. And that’s fine, but they’re both small talk. And no, I strongly disagree that it’s defined as answers you don’t care about the answer to. Many people who describe themselves as enjoying small talk do care about the answers, or else they wouldn’t be asking them or they’d be asking something else.
I don’t know why people have defined small talk as some exclusively negative thing. It’d be like someone saying riding a bike isn’t exercising because it’s fun.
I don’t believe that small talk must be exclusively negative just because you don’t care about the answers. I don’t think anyone can honestly claim that people ask things like “crazy weather we’re having, huh?” because they genuinely want to know if you agree about the weather. They just like talking. They like hearing themselves and others make noise. Nothing wrong with that, but I think it’s telling when the people I know who enjoy small talk rarely remember the things I said last time we engaged in small talk - they don’t care about the answers, so they don’t remember them. Again, nothing wrong with just enjoying passing the time with meaningless chatter, but I certainly believe that it is indeed the meaninglessness that defines whether it’s small talk or not.
I didn’t say anything about not liking either of these. The two scenarios are qualitatively different. The purpose of the one at home is to learn what happened that day, how the other person feels about it, planning what we do with the rest of our day, and so on. It’s an exchange of information.
The purpose of asking the cashier about their day is not to actually learn what happened with them (unless you actually know the person of course). It is exchanging pleasantries or just making banter, without the intent of exchanging any information that matters to the other person. I don’t dislike it. But it’s not a conversation, it’s small talk.
I read your top level comment as well and you do seem really irked that some people differentiate small talk from conversation. It seems like you’re fighting windmills though, and it’s in fact you who for some reason has strong feelings about the topic.
Small talk is an important part of interpersonal communication, and it’s good when it creates a sense of comfort, belonging, or serves as the prelude for a deeper conversation. But it can be annoying if it’s self serving, because either it fails creating any positive feelings, or it never gets past the warmup phase. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with people who don’t enjoy small talk, or with those who do.
I guess my gripe is the examples people give, like if you really don’t care, why ask? And I don’t mean the standard “hi how are you fine thanks you fine” dance, I mean why ask a cashier how their day is going if you don’t care? If you want to talk to them, why wouldn’t you ask them something you actually do care about? There are plenty of ways to conversate, break ice, fill a silence (if people feel so obligated) that don’t involve asking questions that they don’t care about, so why ask the ones they don’t care about and then complain about the process? “Omg, I asked the cashier about the weather, but I hate talking about the weather and it sucked.” Then ask about something you do want to talk about if you want to talk? It’s not like it’s impossible.
Because it’s polite, we live in a society
I never said not to though, lmao, I said to pick something you actually want to talk about.
I never said you said not to, LOL
That’s the question I answered, it’s in the very first sentence of the comment I responded to.
If it’s a short interaction, I’d rather just exchange meaningless pleasantries to indicate to them I’m a normal person and we can both go about our days. I don’t necessarily want to talk to them at all, but saying, “hey how’s it going” “fine, how are you” takes no effort and lets both parties quickly evaluate the mental and emotional state of the other. It’s social lubricant, it’s more hygenic than shaking strangers’ hands and quicker than telling them your life story. Plus if it’s someone doing their job, I’m not going to try to start a substantive conversation with them, that might just distract them and cause them to make a mistake.