Asking my life partner how their day was is not small talk. Asking the same question from the cashier at the grocery checkout is small talk.
What if they are the same person?
It averages out to medium talk.
If there’s someone behind you, that’s called “holding up the line.”
They’re both small talk, you’re just calling the scenarios you don’t like doing it small talk and the ones you don’t mind doing it something else.
I would say that small talk is when you ask questions you don’t actually care to know the answers to, just to fill the silence. “Did you catch the game last night?” is small talk if I’m talking to my coworker whose name I don’t even remember, but it’s not small talk when I’m talking to my friend who I know has been invested in the season, and whose opinion I actually want to know.
It’s small talk both times, you just don’t like forced conversation with your coworker. And that’s fine, but they’re both small talk. And no, I strongly disagree that it’s defined as answers you don’t care about the answer to. Many people who describe themselves as enjoying small talk do care about the answers, or else they wouldn’t be asking them or they’d be asking something else.
I don’t know why people have defined small talk as some exclusively negative thing. It’d be like someone saying riding a bike isn’t exercising because it’s fun.
I don’t believe that small talk must be exclusively negative just because you don’t care about the answers. I don’t think anyone can honestly claim that people ask things like “crazy weather we’re having, huh?” because they genuinely want to know if you agree about the weather. They just like talking. They like hearing themselves and others make noise. Nothing wrong with that, but I think it’s telling when the people I know who enjoy small talk rarely remember the things I said last time we engaged in small talk - they don’t care about the answers, so they don’t remember them. Again, nothing wrong with just enjoying passing the time with meaningless chatter, but I certainly believe that it is indeed the meaninglessness that defines whether it’s small talk or not.
I didn’t say anything about not liking either of these. The two scenarios are qualitatively different. The purpose of the one at home is to learn what happened that day, how the other person feels about it, planning what we do with the rest of our day, and so on. It’s an exchange of information.
The purpose of asking the cashier about their day is not to actually learn what happened with them (unless you actually know the person of course). It is exchanging pleasantries or just making banter, without the intent of exchanging any information that matters to the other person. I don’t dislike it. But it’s not a conversation, it’s small talk.
I read your top level comment as well and you do seem really irked that some people differentiate small talk from conversation. It seems like you’re fighting windmills though, and it’s in fact you who for some reason has strong feelings about the topic.
Small talk is an important part of interpersonal communication, and it’s good when it creates a sense of comfort, belonging, or serves as the prelude for a deeper conversation. But it can be annoying if it’s self serving, because either it fails creating any positive feelings, or it never gets past the warmup phase. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with people who don’t enjoy small talk, or with those who do.I guess my gripe is the examples people give, like if you really don’t care, why ask? And I don’t mean the standard “hi how are you fine thanks you fine” dance, I mean why ask a cashier how their day is going if you don’t care? If you want to talk to them, why wouldn’t you ask them something you actually do care about? There are plenty of ways to conversate, break ice, fill a silence (if people feel so obligated) that don’t involve asking questions that they don’t care about, so why ask the ones they don’t care about and then complain about the process? “Omg, I asked the cashier about the weather, but I hate talking about the weather and it sucked.” Then ask about something you do want to talk about if you want to talk? It’s not like it’s impossible.
Because it’s polite, we live in a society
I never said not to though, lmao, I said to pick something you actually want to talk about.
I never said you said not to, LOL
If you really don’t care, why ask?
That’s the question I answered, it’s in the very first sentence of the comment I responded to.
Then ask about something you do want to talk about if you want to talk? It’s not like it’s impossible.
People think that “i hate small talk” must mean “i want big talk” because they cannot comprehend the idea of just shutting tf up
These thoughts rattling around in my head and this breath in my lungs would be wasted forever unless I combine them and thrust it upon your unwilling ears
—the entire world for some reason
Sorry, I’m quieter when I take my Ritalin!
Not always true and a little besides the point. I went through a period where my friend circle ONLY made small talk. Hang out for a couple hours at a bar, 90% no talking and when we did it was either to insult each other or talk about our beers.
It became exhausting. Unsurprisingly we went our separate ways and never contacted each other again.
What the duck are you taking about Joey?!?
Truth!
Yeah I can’t imagine the alternative. A life where you and your partner aren’t comfortable in silence sounds like a nightmare.
Some people are just scared of silence I guess.
Talking To my partner isn’t small talk. Sustaining a conversation with a coworker who won’t shut the fuck up is small talk
It doesn’t become small talk just because you don’t like it, it’s still small talk.
That’s what normies don’t get about introverts: we’re not above small talk, we’re above small talk when it’s all there is. Of course we’ll ask the loved one how their day has been, and the fact is we’ll actually shut the fuck up and listen to it all, and when things become serious we’ll talk to say meaningful things.
Else, there’s folie à deux echolalia, shitty jokes, movie lines, comfortable silence, or skipping it all to ‘scorching hot sex’.
I’m all for small talk. It’s the superfluous small talk just to kill dead air I hate. I’d rather sit in an elevator and say nothing than talk about how much rain we’re about to get this afternoon.
Thats insert x location weather for ya’! don’t like it, Just wait five minutes! *proceeds to slap knee’
No I’m sorry, interiority cannot be tolerated or respected. You’re doing it wrong.
My bf and I barely talk at all. It’s fucking awesome just being comfortable shutting the fuck up together.
You mean you don’t have someone constantly at their/your wits’ end… telling you that you’re either the cause of , or lack of the cause of everything?
Thought I was just old fashioned… LOVE…
Nah; I split with my abusive af wife years ago.
Me and my gf are the same. If course we have lots of meaningful and not so meaningful conversations. But we can also spend days barely talking, just doing our own thing. But together. I love it!
What’s wrong with silence? You don’t have to talk continuously.
Don’t have to be silent continuously either, for that matter!
Actually, you do!
(joking)
All of us will be, eventually.
I don’t mind having a conversation about stupid bullshit, I love those. But I do hate having a superficial conversation filled with lies and obfuscation about meaningless topics neither of us care about solely for the sake of filling the silence. It’s a waste of energy and time.
Then bring your A game to every conversation. Most people are interesting, they just need steering towards their subject of interest.
Oh my sweet summer sunshine. It’s not other people’s jobs to do your emotional labor for you.
You’re kinda confirming my pet theory that the “I don’t do small talk” people are all cunts
I’m in the “no small talk” camp. I at least try to not be a cunt at first. But I have no problems firing back.
I imagine many people in the group though just really don’t want to be bothered and being sharp with someone is usually a fast way to end that bother. They may not be cunts on the regular, they may just not want to be involved with the other person.
I agree that the other person was being cunty though. That condescending “sweet summer w/e” shit is rude af unless it’s done to be silly.
Some people make it into a personality trait, definitely.
Nobody’s expecting you to. But I’d fell like you’re missing out on the human experience.
I think you have to be pretty open to new things for this to be true, a lot of people will shut down and think certain topics are boring, art for example. You kind of have to force yourself to find those things interesting for a while before everything seems interesting.
I don’t know my experience is everything is interesting if someone is passionate about it. It’s mostly my fault when I’m only waiting for my turn to talk. (Mostly the reason is I’m forgetful and if I think I have something good to add I’m afraid I’ll forget it)
Firstly, that sounds great. Secondly small talk is meaningless filler, not common topics, so asking common things is not small talk as long as I actually care and participate in the conversion (like “how are you?” Or “how was your day?” Or even “interesting weather today”)
It can also be foreplay for a deep conversation - you stroke and give little kisses in the form of familiar phrases (how are you? Work has been tough this week), then you start sliding hands a little under their clothes in the form of asking broad questions about the things people like to talk about (I love my cat, do you have any pets?), and then you work up to third base by finding something really interesting you both want to talk about (so, then they found ten other subspecies of deep-sea pseudoplancton, and two of those make a chemical that can induce hallucinations …).
Then afterwards, a nice snuggle of small talk again before heading back home (well, I hope Billy is feeling better by next week, let me know what restaurant you’d like to go to and I can drag Bobby along too)
how are you? Work has been tough this week
Sounds to me like deep talk. I only talk about how terrible work is with people I trust.
With silence. Peace and tranquility. Simply enjoying someone’s very presence without needing to verbalize it
The definition of small talk is literally establishing common ground in some way. It’s only meant for people you don’t or barely know.
It’s absolutely unnecessary for people you already know deeply.
You don’t need to discuss how pleasant the weather is, but talking about the important things in your life is necessary for a meaningful relationship.
It’s necessary, but discussing the big important things don’t take up very much time in a long term relationship. There’s a lot more small talk that happens, so best to be on the same page about both with your partner!
I’ll just sit and not say stuff for hours with my partner. It’s nice.
We’re both autistic and therefore both hate small talk. Problem solved.
The more I read into this thread, the more I appreciate being German. I don’t talk to the cashier besides smiling at them and saying hello and goodbye and they don’t expect me to. I only talk to people I want to talk to, besides at work. But even there I keep it low.
It’s not that I don’t like to talk. I just prefer to talk with a meaning.
You might like New Jersey to then. “How you doing” is about the extent of it. I can see people I know while out for a run, walk, grocery, whatever, and you’re only getting a how you doing unless there’s something important we need to discuss. Neighbors, you get a smile and a wave. I’m not striking up a conversation just to strike up a conversation, and that’s how most of us are.
At the same time, we can plan to get together and then do get-together stuff, including those meaningless or meaningful conversations.
I hope you don’t get me wrong. Ten years ago I might have thought about that. But in the meantime, the USA have removed themselves from the list of countries I want to visit for the foreseeable future and probably beyond. And even 10 years ago, I wasn’t really eager to visit.
I understand why you’re saying it. There isn’t really a place that’s representative of the US as a whole, and NJ certainly doesn’t represent the qualities that you’re presumably trying to avoid. But the internet paints this picture that definitely looks bleak, so I can appreciate your sentiment.
It’s not that I fear for myself. I am aware that I, as a white German dude, will probably be fine in the US. It’s more of a statement I want to express. You, the US of A, won’t see a cent from me as long as I can prevent it. I’ve cancelled my subscriptions. If it’s made in the USA it’s not made for me, etc. And I’m making sure my government knows what I think about playing nice with the beast.
I know there are great people in the USA and I’m sure you are one of them. But your country turned to shit.
Hey, you won’t find me disagreeing. I try to stay local, small businesses, all of that. It has been a disappointing decade for sure, but I’m not going to lose hope.
All the best to you and the other people that don’t agree with the government. Let’s hope it’ll get better soon.
That’s how the vast majority of people here are. Say hi to the cashier, maybe chat with them a second if you’ve seen them a few times, then move about your day. People don’t randomly have an hour long conversations.
I mean, the Fins have a thriving society.
I can’t explain it, but they’re among the happiest people on earth.
There was an interesting theory in a paper: during happiness research they interview people and ask them to imagine what the best life would look like and then estimate where they are compared to it in a scale of 0 to 10.
Well, in Finnish comprehensive schools we use grading 4-10 where 4 is “failed”, so everything under 7 is bad and 8 is merely “ok”. And as we learn this odd scale quite early it’s stuck in our heads. So yeah.
I don’t know any Finnish person that would describe their life as happy. Perhaps we mean to grade our life as merely tolerable when asked and the scale doesn’t take into account this weird system that we use!
Wow, I thought this kind of scaling was just in the 5 star review where companies think 4 stars is failure and 5 stars is ok.
