I’m trying to answer honestly and I don’t know how to explain this through the internet. You’re not the only person whose asked this. And Ive explained this to a personal friend (who is white) why his comments weren’t flirting, but really creepy. So I hope this provide some clarity.
There’s just cues that the person drops that are clear indicators that the person is a asiaphile at the creepiest level.
I work in tech, I’m a POC, I have lots of friends and family who are also POC, and we share things. We’ve all had some experience where we’re in a room and some creepy (can be male or female) person just hits those notes. Where they see me, and rather talk about me as a person, go straight into my skin color, family background, ethnicity, how I look like thirst-trap person that they jerk off too, etc.
Is it bad to be someone’s fetish? Depends on how lonely/horny you are. Often, it’s creepy. Because they don’t see you as a person but rather as a object. That’s just me. Maybe both parties like being each other’s fetish - mutual fetishism. I dunno.
Maybe Ask your friend group/circle of people. Like when you ask women if they can spot a creep, and they point out very specific elements that separately, are meaningless. But when the creep hits all those targets, it’s a sign to leave the room.
Also, it depends on a lot of things. Your party of the world might have different takes on what is creepy fetishism. And as an American, I can’t speak for that side of things.
, how I look like thirst-trap person that they jerk off too,
I mean I’m not surprised because I’m a man and some men are drastically stupider than other men but what the fuck?! Who brings this up in a casual conversation?!
Im being edge-y and they don’t say those words. But the implication is there.
Borderline: “You look like Lucy Liu! I loved her in Charlie’s Angels.”
Real creep: “Mindy Kaling is HOT with a capital T! Easily the best girl in the Office.”
As a dude, I’ve had creepy women compare me to actors who are skin colored like me. They’re not licking their lips like I’m a piece of meat, but it’s a start of “Okay was that a compliment or a start of your fetishizing?”
This is one of those things that’s really hard to explain to anyone that isn’t a minority, but I think you did a really good job conveying the nuance of it. I, as a white man, would likely never know about this side of human interactions if I wasn’t gay. And it’s not just with people fetishizing you. People will be similarly underhanded with their hatefulness too. People do these little micro-expressions that, when looked at as one odd expression, can be explained away. But, when you are the person these expressions are regularly directed towards, and it’s the same person consistently being weird towards you, you start to see trends. Sometimes you can pickup on these trends right away, with new people. Because it’s a fully intuition-based thing rooted in years of spotting these trends, it can be hard even explaining it to ourselves sometimes… Like, “why am I getting a weird vibe from this person?”. Then they say one of the common things these people say and you’re like “ooooohhhh… Next!” Lol.
It can also just be projection, watch out for that.
I’ve certainly projected my “I know what that facial expression means”/“I know why you said it like that” onto someone when it was really my own insecurities or assumptions.
Fetishization is a form of objectification. When you stop seeing a human as a person and just as an object for your own attraction and lust, you’re fetishizing them.
Right but how do you tell how someone sees other people unless they actually say it out loud? Don’t get me wrong, there are loads of white guys like this (especially on the internet) but you can’t infer someone is like this just from their dating history.
I think it’s especially an issue in tech because the demographics are already heavily skewed male (and white, Asian, or South Asian) and for some reason women in tech are much less likely to be white (more tolerance for awkwardness?)!
Usually these people will give it away through an accumulation of subtler behaviors, or they just kinda out-right say so.
These things are often subtle. Noticing the many ways they never really talk about/to you in any other way than that one aspect of you they fetishize. In this post there is the dating history, how she is just there, quietly, on his arm, because he isn’t actually doing anything to interact with her outside of her being there to be his asian woman. You may say that it is her responsibility to socialize, and that can be true, but more often than not this is a learned behavior. They have come to understand he doesn’t really want them being anything but his arm candy, and has a history of making things bad if she does otherwise.
A lot of this easily deniable, which is why so many people fall into it. A lot of abuse, and objectification, isn’t going “hey, you are my asian fuck doll, don’t try to have autonomy”. Much like how racism can be expressed in a bunch of much more subtle ways, like women taking direct hold of their purse when a black man walks on the elevator, but the strange white men didn’t illicit the same response. It could just be a shift of position, or a million other things that aren’t racism. However, when you are a black man, and see it happen every time this situation comes up, you realize it is a response to you, and what makes you different from those she was around to that point is? You are black. Hell, people might not even be aware they are doing it.
There are some people that make it clear though, for reference see the incel community obsession with asian women.
That’s pretty creepy, though I will say when I’m in public I tend to be pretty quiet. I’m only talkative around people I know. So I’ve definitely been that guy just sitting there quietly with my girlfriend.
Though usually I just keep looking at her like “when can we get outta here?”
Yeah that is no good! I hope the original poster finds someone who values her as a person and would rather talk to her than worry about how she looks next to him.
Heaven forbid someone be attracted to a member of a different race.
Another Lemmy thread where people get weirdly defensive…
That’s okay, but when it’s quite clearly fetishization, it’s shallow and dehumanizing.
How does one tell the difference between someone who’s legitimately more attracted versus someone fetishizing them?
I’m trying to answer honestly and I don’t know how to explain this through the internet. You’re not the only person whose asked this. And Ive explained this to a personal friend (who is white) why his comments weren’t flirting, but really creepy. So I hope this provide some clarity.
There’s just cues that the person drops that are clear indicators that the person is a asiaphile at the creepiest level.
I work in tech, I’m a POC, I have lots of friends and family who are also POC, and we share things. We’ve all had some experience where we’re in a room and some creepy (can be male or female) person just hits those notes. Where they see me, and rather talk about me as a person, go straight into my skin color, family background, ethnicity, how I look like thirst-trap person that they jerk off too, etc.
Is it bad to be someone’s fetish? Depends on how lonely/horny you are. Often, it’s creepy. Because they don’t see you as a person but rather as a object. That’s just me. Maybe both parties like being each other’s fetish - mutual fetishism. I dunno.
Maybe Ask your friend group/circle of people. Like when you ask women if they can spot a creep, and they point out very specific elements that separately, are meaningless. But when the creep hits all those targets, it’s a sign to leave the room.
Also, it depends on a lot of things. Your party of the world might have different takes on what is creepy fetishism. And as an American, I can’t speak for that side of things.
I mean I’m not surprised because I’m a man and some men are drastically stupider than other men but what the fuck?! Who brings this up in a casual conversation?!
Im being edge-y and they don’t say those words. But the implication is there.
Borderline: “You look like Lucy Liu! I loved her in Charlie’s Angels.”
Real creep: “Mindy Kaling is HOT with a capital T! Easily the best girl in the Office.”
As a dude, I’ve had creepy women compare me to actors who are skin colored like me. They’re not licking their lips like I’m a piece of meat, but it’s a start of “Okay was that a compliment or a start of your fetishizing?”
As a white dude this is another example of the world I will never get to experience lol
Go to a non white majority county, and you’ll probably see some of this.
This is one of those things that’s really hard to explain to anyone that isn’t a minority, but I think you did a really good job conveying the nuance of it. I, as a white man, would likely never know about this side of human interactions if I wasn’t gay. And it’s not just with people fetishizing you. People will be similarly underhanded with their hatefulness too. People do these little micro-expressions that, when looked at as one odd expression, can be explained away. But, when you are the person these expressions are regularly directed towards, and it’s the same person consistently being weird towards you, you start to see trends. Sometimes you can pickup on these trends right away, with new people. Because it’s a fully intuition-based thing rooted in years of spotting these trends, it can be hard even explaining it to ourselves sometimes… Like, “why am I getting a weird vibe from this person?”. Then they say one of the common things these people say and you’re like “ooooohhhh… Next!” Lol.
It can also just be projection, watch out for that.
I’ve certainly projected my “I know what that facial expression means”/“I know why you said it like that” onto someone when it was really my own insecurities or assumptions.
If you’re looking for a trend, you’ll find it.
This is veering into classic neck beard territory very quickly.
Oh you didn’t know? NιƙƙιDιɱҽʂ decides and will be sure to let you know.
Edit: It’s true!
Rent free
Fetishization is a form of objectification. When you stop seeing a human as a person and just as an object for your own attraction and lust, you’re fetishizing them.
Right but how do you tell how someone sees other people unless they actually say it out loud? Don’t get me wrong, there are loads of white guys like this (especially on the internet) but you can’t infer someone is like this just from their dating history.
I think it’s especially an issue in tech because the demographics are already heavily skewed male (and white, Asian, or South Asian) and for some reason women in tech are much less likely to be white (more tolerance for awkwardness?)!
Usually these people will give it away through an accumulation of subtler behaviors, or they just kinda out-right say so.
These things are often subtle. Noticing the many ways they never really talk about/to you in any other way than that one aspect of you they fetishize. In this post there is the dating history, how she is just there, quietly, on his arm, because he isn’t actually doing anything to interact with her outside of her being there to be his asian woman. You may say that it is her responsibility to socialize, and that can be true, but more often than not this is a learned behavior. They have come to understand he doesn’t really want them being anything but his arm candy, and has a history of making things bad if she does otherwise.
A lot of this easily deniable, which is why so many people fall into it. A lot of abuse, and objectification, isn’t going “hey, you are my asian fuck doll, don’t try to have autonomy”. Much like how racism can be expressed in a bunch of much more subtle ways, like women taking direct hold of their purse when a black man walks on the elevator, but the strange white men didn’t illicit the same response. It could just be a shift of position, or a million other things that aren’t racism. However, when you are a black man, and see it happen every time this situation comes up, you realize it is a response to you, and what makes you different from those she was around to that point is? You are black. Hell, people might not even be aware they are doing it.
There are some people that make it clear though, for reference see the incel community obsession with asian women.
That’s pretty creepy, though I will say when I’m in public I tend to be pretty quiet. I’m only talkative around people I know. So I’ve definitely been that guy just sitting there quietly with my girlfriend.
Though usually I just keep looking at her like “when can we get outta here?”
Well, the boyfriend, in this example, would be socializing. Just expecting her to be there as an accessory
but yeah it is awkward to see
Yeah that is no good! I hope the original poster finds someone who values her as a person and would rather talk to her than worry about how she looks next to him.
How do you tell anyone’s true intentions regarding anything?
If that’s the only difference, then I do it poorly.
Depends on whether or not they’re willing to date non-asians too.